Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that does not come easily to me.  I have a hard time removing my hurt from the situation and looking at the person who I feel has hurt me as a child of God.  They are indeed a child of the One who will forgive and shower you with undeserving grace.  

A beautiful song written by Shane and Shane describes this God's grace, forgiveness and love so well.  

The lyrics read:

Gracious
Slow to anger
Abounding in love
Good to all
All who call upon You
You will rescue and forgive

This is why I live

You lived a life I could never live
You died the death, oh, that I deserve
You rose to life and now You live
That's how You forgive

Forgive me
In Your mercy
I'm unworthy of Your love
I'm running back to all I have in You
My gracious King

This is why I sing

The measure of your love
You came and died for us
Let us not forget
That's how you forgive

The first time I heard this song the lyrics burned in my heart.  I kept thinking how do I have the right to stay angry at someone who God has already forgiven?  Who am I to hold on to resentment towards someone who God feels is worthy of His forgiveness?  HOW AM I WORTHY ENOUGH FOR GOD'S FORGIVENESS?  

God sent His son to this earth to die for ME and for YOU.  His death was a brutal betrayal done by the exact people who God deemed worthy of forgiveness.  The same people who beat, mocked, and hung Him to the cross are the same people who God extended grace and forgiveness too.   

I try to live my life to be more Christ-like.  In doing that, forgiveness is a must.  Showing grace and forgiveness to someone could possibly be the only Jesus they will ever see.  Grace has been showered over me countless times by my loving, Heavenly Father.  If God can forgive me, anyone is worthy enough for MY forgiveness.  As cheesy as this saying is I still love it... "LET GO AND LET GOD."  Let go of your pride, forgive the person and let God work on both of you. 

Typical Christian Sayings

I hear and read these words often:

- God has a plan for you.

- Remember, it's on God's time...not your time.

- Never worry or have anxiety...hand all your worries over to God.

- Put your faith in God, He will always show you the way.

- You're just going through a tough season of your life right now.  There is purpose in it.

- God has that special person out there for you...don't worry.  Besides you're young and have plenty of time!

I could go on with more of these typical christian sayings.  I am guilty of saying them myself to friends who may be struggling.  While I do believe that these sayings are true I also believe that sometimes they are the last things I want to hear.  Over the past couple of years, I have struggled deeply with happiness.  Happiness has just been absent from my life.  I am not saying that I have not had happy and joyous times over the past couple of years because I have.  

I am saying this...

Most mornings I wake up, role over and think to myself..."am I going to make it through this day?  God, I just need motivation to get out of this bed.  Please help me just get through another day so I can come back home climb back into my bed and sometimes forget this day existed."  When I have this thought some mornings, I do know that the only thing that is going to get me through the day is God's faithfulness, love and healing.  

If this sounds familiar to you, you would probably diagnose this as depression.  While I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression, I do know that this is been my deepest struggle over the past couple of years.  When at the end of the day your are exhausted from over exerting yourself mentally just because you are trying your best to stay positive throughout the day.  When being happy feels more like a chore than a natural feeling.  When you feel like you have absolutely no control of your feelings.  When you feel as if no one understands you.  When you feel like collapsing on your bed and wishing the day to be over and crying out to God for tomorrow to be better.  I know that most everyone feels like this in their lifetime.  Some people have more of extreme feelings than others.  

For someone who has been in that place more times than not over the past couple of years, the last thing we want to hear is those "typical christian phrases" that people say when they see their friend struggling with depression/anxiety.  It almost feels as if we are not allowed these feelings or that we are less of a christian because of these feelings.  

There are many verses, stories in the bible that touches on this topic.  

Matthew comes to mind the most to me:

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

While these verses do bring me comfort, it does not take away my struggle.  I recognize that I have a problem with depression/anxiety just as an recovering alcoholic recognizes that he is an alcoholic.  The difference is, an alcoholic can completely remove alcohol from his life.  He does not have to go to bars, He does not have alcohol in his home, surround himself by people who do not drink.  Therefore, he is able to control his "struggle."  Someone who struggles with depression/anxiety has no way of removing life from their life. You can not remove your feelings.  People can not control how they react to life.  (Some people may argue that point or have a different opinion.  I am okay with that.  If you know me personally, let's sit down and have a cup of coffee over this subject. :)

I have struggled with thinking that I am less of a christian or I must not trust God because of what has been drilled into my head...basically being told that if you are a christian, you should never worry, be sad, have anxiety.  You should know to hand it over to God.  

Rick Warren who is a very well known pastor in California lost his son this past year to mental illness. Mental illness is what killed him...not suicide.  His son struggled his whole life with mental illness.  Rick Warren and his family have become the voice for mental illness in the church. To me, it has not been talked about in the church near enough.  I know I have tried covering up my struggles because for me, I felt as if I had no right to be feeling the way I do because I am a christian.  Christians aren't supposed to struggle with mental illness.

People who struggle with this do not need to feel as if they are wrong or unworthy.  They do not need to feel like because of this life struggle God is shaking His head in shame at them.  Instead, they need to feel God's love.  They need to feel God's understanding.  They need to know that even Jesus when on this earth struggled with human emotions.  From happiness to devastation.  He laughed, he cried.  He became angry and He Himself even questioned God.  They need a shoulder to cry on, ears that will listen, love that covers them and understanding that comforts them.  

My name is Hannah and this is the Real Me.

Social media has changed our society, changed the way we live, and changed our relationships.  With social media, I can be whoever I want.  I can make YOU believe that whatever I put out there on the World Wide Web, that is who I am.

If you were to look at my facebook, my life would come across as:

• She must have the BEST relationship with her family. They seem to always be full of laughter and fun!
• She has to read the bible everyday, that's why she post bible verses all the time.
• She sits around and watch funny youtube video's all day so she can post them on Facebook.
• She is constantly doing ridiculous things in my everyday life.  
• Her stomach hurts ALL the time!
• She LOVES Charleston, SC!

Now, if you were to look at my Pinterest boards you would think:

• She must cook ALL the time!
• She has to be pretty crafty.
• I'm sure she can paint, she post artwork all the time.
• She really must like to read.
• I'm sure she reads the bible a lot.
• She must be a very thrifty shopper.
• She is very stylish.

Let me begin by saying this; yes, all of those assumptions that you could make from my social media outlets are true to an extent but my life is far from what I can make facebook and pinterest look like.  

Here is a list of the misconceptions of my social media pages:

• While I do love my family very, very much...it is not roses as my facebook would claim.  We fight, we argue, we bicker.   I get on my parents nerves and boy do they get on mine some days.  
• I do not read the bible all the time.  This is something that I have always struggled with in my faith walk.  I think it is crucial to spend time in the Word everyday but this has always been a struggle to me.
• While some of my post looks like my life is a "walking mess" all the time, I can promise you that I do have it together...sometimes.
• While I do love cooking, I sometimes do hate it.  With my restricted diet, I get frustrated easily and it can take all the fun out of it.
• I am NOT crafty what-so-ever.
• I like to think I am artsy.
• My name and "thrifty" should never be in the same sentence.
• Stylish? pshh...
• Unless it is a really, really, REALLY good book...reading is the last thing I want to do.

I am blogging about this because I want you to know me.  The real me.  I am a flawed, sinful human who's life is not all together as facebook may portray it as.  I want you to relate to me.  I want you to see my flaws and imperfections.  I want you to understand that while I do live a life to try and glorify God in everything I do, I fail miserably.  I want you to understand that my purpose of this blog is to relate to ALL people.  I want my testimony to reach every kind of person.  Because if I am going to be the "real me" I can promise you that I can relate to a liar, thief, someone is sexual sin, a girl who had a baby at 15, someone who dropped out of high school, someone who has been bullied, children from a broken home, and even people who don't know God.  This does not mean that I experienced all those things but I can relate to YOU.  You know why? Because I am human just like you. I want to take myself from behind my computer screen and into your life.  God has put me on this earth to love and share His love.  I can't do that if I live a facebook or pinterest life.  My faith walk can be a bumpy road but because of God's love and grace, He will NEVER make me take that bumpy road alone.  So by His example, I want you to know that no matter what, I will extend love and grace to whoever crosses my path.  Without the cross and the blood that was shed, my story would mean nothing.  I need His grace to wash over me daily.  I can't hide my sins and flaws from God through social media and I don't want to hide them from you. I feel like I would be defeating my purpose and God's purpose for me. 

My name is Hannah and this is the REAL me.

I finally figured out what God wants me to be!

Over the past two years I began a journey that I was not prepared for nor did I think I would ever go on.  These past couple of years have been extremely tough.  I have battled with many personal things in my life that I am still trying to heal from.  That's why people refer to life as a journey I suppose...you never know where it will take you.  

I have been forced to really examine my life and figure out exactly what God is calling me to be.  For a while, I truly felt abandoned by God.  I felt like I wasn't getting a clear answer as to what I am supposed to be.  I saw all of my peers from high school college graduation pictures and them moving on to "real" careers.  I have a sister who went straight through college and made it look like a breeze. She had her masters by age 22 and was working in DC.  I often compared myself to these people trying to figure out why they knew what they wanted to do and I had no clue.  I have declared many times that I KNOW WHAT GOD WANTS ME TO DO; but in the back of my mind, I knew I had no idea what I was doing.  God has finally opened my eyes to understand that He has given me a clear path.  He has showed me who I am supposed to be.  And the whole time...I knew it. 

Are you ready for me to tell you what I am supposed to be?  It's huge and yet so simple.  

I am supposed to be a Follower of Christ who lives my life as an example of who God is.  I am supposed to find the lost and share God's amazing love to them.  I am called to love ALL people so that they may know who God is.

THAT'S IT!  That's what I am supposed to do!  I finally realized that I can't disappoint God with any career choice that I make as long as I am doing what He has called me to do.  As my church's motto goes, "Love all people into a relationship with Jesus Christ" and if I do that, I am doing exactly what He wants me to do.  I was focusing so much on the career He was leading me to do rather than what He is ultimately calling me to do.

With all that being said, I made a huge decision today.  A couple of years ago, my mom sat me down and suggested for me to go to cosmetology school.  It made sense to her because I do enjoy hair and make-up.  I love experimenting with my own hair and I like playing around with other people's hair.  So it made sense to her.  My sister and my Dad also suggested that I do something like that too, but at the time I had other plans.  Not to long ago, I came home after getting my hair done and said to my mom, "why don't I look into cosmetology school."  Not in these exact words but she basically said, if you had listened to me a couple years ago, you would already be doing that!  I'm not one for letting other people tell me what I should do.  I'm the type of person to where it has to be my idea.  I know it's not a good trait...it's something that I need to work on.  My mom was very supportive and we got on the ball of looking at different cosmetology schools in this area.  Today, I made the decision to enroll in Regency Cosmetology school and will begin June 24th.  I am so excited...I am ready to start now!  

As I have briefly talked about in some previous blogs...I think it is very important for us ladies to lift each other up.  I feel like working in this industry, I will have plenty of opportunity to lift ladies up, minister to people, love people and listen to people.  I have to be honest and say that this is not something I ever saw myself doing, but it's like a light bulb turned on and the passion has come.  I am excited about this new adventure.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.  He is always faithful.  So blessed to serve such an understanding and loving God who is so patient with people like me!

Finding the right church is difficult...

I officially moved to Winston-Salem, NC in October of 2012.  We are now in March and I feel as if I am just now trying to start my life here.  One of the biggest challenges I have faced since moving here is finding the "right" church for me.  I grew up in a Methodist church but during my younger teenage years, I started feeling as though denominations did nothing but separate us as christians.  I started seeing things in the Methodist church that I did not fully agree with as well as the stigma attached to certain churches.

 So during my college years, I made the decision to attend a non-denominational church.  I was involved with a college ministry for a little over a year which I considered my weekly worship.  I soon begin to crave something a little more so I started attending another church which I fell in love with.  I loved how they did things and I loved the preaching.  I felt as though I was getting fully spiritually fed for the first time in my life.

An opportunity became available at the Methodist church I grew up in where a Program Ministry Director  position became available.  At that time in my life, I felt I was being called into youth ministry and that position focusing on youth, I quickly jumped on the opportunity.  During that short time of me being back at my home church, slowly but shirley I began falling.  I wasn't getting the spiritual feeding that is necessary for a christian life.  Part of that was due to me trying to keep up with my job (if I am going to be honest, I bit off way more than I could chew), part of that was my Godly friends were 2.5 hours away from me, and part of that was not feeling as though I was apart of a church.  I almost felt as though I was a slave to the church because I wasn't getting what I needed in return from it.

With all that being said, because of my previous involvement with the church, it made it that much harder to find a church here in Winston.  I am super cautious...not wanting to get caught up in a church that I feel is focusing more on the numbers in the church rather than the spirituality of the church.  I didn't want to be a part of a church where I feel as though they put God in a box and is scared of the Holy Spirit being present in the church.  I didn't want to be a part of a church that holds tradition higher than what direction God wants the church to go.  On the flip side of that, I didn't want to go to a church where I felt as if I needed ear-plugs and rocking out at a rock concert.  I didn't want to be at a church where they put so much focus on the whole production of the show rather than the Holy worship setting.  I wanted to see a cross up front rather than "cool" graphic designs.  I wanted to be a part of a church who recognizes ALL major Christian holidays...from Palm Sunday to Pentecost Sunday.  Not just Christmas and Easter.  Finding a church is a big deal for me but I knew it wouldn't be easy.

After many months of going to every church in town as well a lot of prayer...I feel like my parents and I found a church.  I am honestly shocked we all three feel as though this is the right church for us.  My parents are used to a little more traditional where as I want something a little more laid back but not a rock concert.  To my surprise, it is a Methodist church.  You would never know it was a United Methodist Church unless you looked it up.  They took the Methodist emblem off their sign.  They are contemporary, the preacher is one of the best I have heard, and they are truly about making disciples of Christ without focusing on the number of members they have.  I am so happy we came across Hillsdale United Methodist Church.  Not having a church home has been missing from my life for quite sometime.  I am excited to learn about this church, see what they are doing in ministry, and hopefully meet people my age.  It might take a few frustrating months...but God will answer prayers.

Broken

Today, on my way home from work I got to catch up with a dear friend of mine.  She is someone who I admiral, who I love, and who's heart for The Lord is on fire.  I am so blessed she is in my life.  Just as I have been with the blogging world lately, I have also been with my friends...a little absent.  But that is something I am well aware of and I am working on getting better with keeping up with blogging as well as keeping up with my relationships with friends and family.  So after not talking with this dear friend for quite some time...it was so refreshing to catch up with her.

As we were talking, I asked her how she was doing.  Her response was everything is fine, I just have a heavy heart.  She continued to tell me that a friend of ours told about this child who was born in a brothel in India. This child, now 1, is being tortured.  From the day she was born, she was kept in a cardboard box.  No one was allowed to touch her, hold her, love her, kiss her, hug her...no human contact.  When the baby cried, she would be beaten.  My friend goes on to say that there is a lady who is doing her best to rescue this little helpless, innocent, beautiful baby.  Unfortunately, rescuing anyone from human trafficking is not easy.

I can not help but be in the same place as my friend right now.  Broken. I can not speak for my friend but more emotions come over me.  Anger. Confused. Sad. Revenge. Hopeless. Helpless.  While I do believe that these feelings are human, I know that these feelings will get me nowhere.  These feelings are what the devil want from us.  He wants us to be confused.  He wants us to feel helpless.  With these feelings, he believes he has won.  Friends, I can assure you the devil has not won.  Jesus has already won that war a long time ago.  There is hope in knowing that God is here.  God is aware.  God is fighting for these innocent victims.  God is with them.  But God also needs us.  As His people, we need to fall on our knees and cry out to Him with this issue.  We need to pray fervently for this evil that has taken away so many people's innocents.  We need to take action and fight for the ones who have no voice.  We need to continue to have broken hearts.  This little baby who has been given the nickname of Sweetie, needs so much prayer.  She needs to know that there is a God out there who loves her beyond her comprehension.  As His people, we need to be His love for her.  I wish I could hold her, rock her, kiss her, love her, tell her how much I love her, tell her she is worth something, feed her, cloth her.  All the necessities that any baby should have and needs.

For those who read this blog, I do ask that you join in on praying for this precious baby, Sweetie.  Prayer is so powerful.  Sweetie needs a voice.  Please be that voice for her.

If you would like more information on this please let me know.  I will be glad to forward an email on the specific details of this situation of how they are trying to rescue her. 

Power of words

 I am known to be very honest and vulnerable in my writings.  I do this because I want other people who may be going through similar feelings or situations to know that they are not alone.  As I have said before, life is hard.  I'm here to do life with you through my writing.

Not long ago, I told one of my dear friends that I have thought to write on my mirrors, "you are beautiful."  I wasn't saying that to sound conceded, I was saying it because it's a daily struggle to for me to actually believe that.  I also need to go on to write, "you are worth something, you are smart, you can do anything you set your mind to do, you deserve nothing but the best."  I'm sure by now, you see a pattern.  If you're thinking that I struggle with confidence issues then you are absolutely correct.  I am very good at telling other people how beautiful, smart, that they deserve nothing but the best but when it comes to me...I struggle with it.  I have been told that I can't take a compliment.  Ever since I was a little girl, I struggled with confidence.  I was always chunkier than my friends.  I went through a phase in elementary school where all I wore was  wind suits. (You can tell I grew up in the 90s.) While all of my friends had their little boyfriends in elementary school through high school....I stayed clear away from the boys.  I made people believe that I didn't need a boyfriend and simply wasn't interested.  But deep down, it was my insecurities.  I made myself believe that no guy could possibly like me.

I'm not writing this blog to gain sympathy.  I'm simply writing this because I know that I am not alone in feeling this way.  Last night, I had a conversation with a very dear and close friend of mine.  She expressed to me how important she believes the power of words are to people.  She said that this past year she has really focused on uplifting people and being positive in their life.  I lived with this wonderful lady for two years and let me tell you...if you ever need an ego boost...she can do it.  In my opinion, she has always been amazing at uplifting people and pointing out their positive traits.  She knows all the deep, dark, dirty secrets of my life but she is sure to point out only the positive.

I think that it is crucial for us as human beings to have this mentality that my friend has.  Where she makes it a priority to be uplifting to everyone around her.  I do believe girls are the absolute worst when it comes to tearing girls down.  We are so critical of each other and it all stems from our own insecurities.  I believe that it is so important for ladies to encouraging and uplifting towards each other.  Confidence is a struggle for many people but the power of positive words can make a world of difference in someone's life.

So if you need to write all over your mirror, "you are beautiful, you are smart, you can do anything, you are worth something, and you deserve the best" then do it.  But I also encourage you to do the same to your friends, peers, co-workers.  Words can truly change someone's life.

Giglio respectfully withdrawing Obama's invitation.

What I am about to write and what lays heavy on me is a very controversal subject.  Therefore, this will be a controversal blog.  But let me go ahead and clarify, I love everybody.  I am a little hesitant on writing and posting on this subject but I feel very passionate about this and pray that those will not take offense but rather understand where I am coming from.

Over the past several days, I have been following Louie Giglio and his invite by President Obama to do the benediction at his second term ignargaration.  Of course, Giglio felt honored and happily accepted his invitation.  President Obama has partnered and praised Giglio's passion for ending slavery that still exsist today.  Giglio is a pastor in Atlanta, Georgia where he started Passion City Church.  Atlanta is the number one human trafficking hub in the US.  To me, it is clear that God has purposfully placed Giglio in Atlanta to help bring awareness to the issue.  Recently, he has started an "End It" movement to put a stop to modern day slavery.  At Passion 2013, (Passion is put on every year which was started by Giglio for young people to come together to learn, praise, and give to our awesome God)  Giglio, inspired over 60,000 young people to give 3.5 million to end slavery.  

Shortly after Giglio accepted the Presidents invitation to give the benediction, a sermon that he did 20 years ago surfaced all over the internet.  The sermon spoke on homosexuality.  Because of this sermon and the topic, it was labled as a hate speach.  Anyone who has listened to Giglio's sermons knows that nothing but God inspired words and love comes from his mouth.  Why is it a shock that a christian believes that homosexuality is a sin?  Giglio is a well-known Christ follower who's allegiance is to Christ and uses the bible as his intruction book to life.  His allegiance is not to this world or culture.  He speacks and preaches Truth.  I have not heard the sermon but I have read many quotes from it.  Giglio spoke of sexual sin.  Not just homesexuality.  Sexual sin can be between a man and women just as much as it can be between a woman and woman or man and man.  Just because our culture is becoming accepting of this sexual sin does not mean that we as christians should bow down to the cultural belief.  Once again, as christians, our allegiance is to God, not to culture.  Giglio never said homosexuals were not welcomed in his church.  In fact, he welcomes them.  He wants to share God's truth and mercey with them.  Just like he would welcome a fornicater, a liar and a cheater.  His goal is to bring people to Christ and share with them His love.  After the scandal of this particular sermon surfacing, Giglio respectfully withdrew his invitation.  

What has really upset me about this whole situation, people have turned Giglio into this gay-hating man.  Instead of praising him for his amazing efforts to end slavery, some people only know him as the preacher who gave a gay hate sermon.  I believe that it is extremly selfish to bring the attention off of mondern-day slavery to a gay-rights issue. To me, slavery is way more important.  There are people in the world who have no rights and no control over their lives.  They live to please someone else. They are used as manual labor slaves as well have sex-slaves.  They live day to day in fear.  And most of these victims in slavery are children.  So to the people who have turned what Giglio truly stands for and is trying to do to put an end to slavery to a gay-hating individual...shame on you.  Because of your pride, you have taken away from what Giglio is trying to do to end slavery.  To me, making this into a gay-rights issue was something not worth fighting for.  Brining people and children out of slavery IS something worth fighting for.  Shame on those who have turned the focus onto their selfish pride.

It is so comforting to have men in this world like Louie Giglio who stands for what we as christians believe.  Who are courageous enough to say, I will not be a slave to this culture.  Who looks to God as his inspriation and leader.  Who is willing to endure these hate comments so that he can take a stand for The Lord.  Thank you, Louie Giglio, for sharing the love of Christ to ALL people so they have a chance to live an eternal life with our amazing God.  I pray that that people see Giglio for who he truly is and will look past their misunderstanding about him and come together to support him in trying to end slaver.