If grace were an ocean, we are all sinking...

 I have not been myself this past year and I am still working on  getting back to my normal, happy self who loves life.  Every time I feel like I am doing it, I do something else that puts me back in the valley.  The slump.  The rock bottom.  The hell hole.  Whatever you want to call it, I go right back to that place.  What's even more frustrating is that it's by my own choice that I can back to the place.  I wish I could answer why I make the decisions that I make but I simply can't explain them.  The only thing that remotely makes sense to me is that I am human.  I was born a sinner who simply needs grace.  I am also a born-again christian who needs to obey and I have failed at that miserably.  Sin can capture your life and spin it in a huge web to where you can see no way of untangling it.  Not only that but you can't seem to un-stick yourself from this massive web.  As much as you want to find a way out, you can't.  As much as you want to let go, you become stuck.  You become numb to the sin that has captured your life.  But because of God's grace, we do have a way out.  

My faith has been tested more times than I can count over this past year.  Some of it were by choices that I have made and some were not.  Just yesterday, I had a conversation with my Dad.  He was expressing to me that we all go through these valleys.  If we didn't go through these valleys, we wouldn't know how disparately we need Jesus.  My response back was, "but how long do we have to go through these.  I feel like I'm never getting out."  I knew the answer to my own question but I didn't want to own up to it.  My Dad then goes on about how we are suppose to be obedient to God and when we are not that is when we begin to see our lives spiral.  

Have I been an obedient servant to God?  No.  

Was I aware of that?  Yes. 

 Did I want to be obedient?  Absolutely. 

 Did I know how?  Yes.

Was I willing to do it? No.

Did any of those questions and my answers make sense to you? No? Me either.  The only way that I can make sense of all of this is to know that I am simply a sinner and I need God's grace.  But it's also time to own up to my web of sins and except His grace.  

I always seem to find comfort in Psalms 23.  It was the very first chapter of the bible I memorized as a child. It has never failed to bring me comfort.  

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
³     he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
    for his name’s sake. 
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a] 
I will fear no evil, 
    for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; 
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Though the valleys seem long and dark, He is with me.  He will never let me go.  I pray that I to will be able to extend grace and love to people just as God does with us.