Long car rides by myself get me thinking...

Most people know the song Jesus Loves Me.  The song is very simple with a HUGE meaning.  "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so..."  I remember learning this song as a child in kindergarten and in church. I remember singing this song so joyfully and loudly.  I can still hear my young, squeaky voice proclaiming this message as I would sing this song at the top of my lungs.  

While in my car this morning with a 2.5 hour drive ahead of me I began thinking to myself, Jesus loves ME. He loves ME!  Yes...it's ME that He loves.  While I was thinking this, I would emphasize the word "me" every single time.  Such a simple message with such a profound meaning.  But something dawned on me while I was thinking this.  Why am I putting the emphasis on "me" while I say this to myself?  I am changing the whole meaning of "Jesus loves me" when I emphasize the word "me."  Instead I should be putting the emphasis on "Jesus."  Instead I should be saying, "JESUS loves me."  I (me) should have no emphasis.  I should have no glory in this.  

Let me clarify...

Isaiah 43:7 breaks in down perfectly. 

everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." 

God created us for His glory.  Everything that we do is to ultimately bring glory to our loving God.  Even His love for us is for Him.  By Him giving us His love and we choose to accept His love we are reborn and then transformed.  We are to use our "God life transformation" to go out and show God's love to everyone we meet so they can then become reborn and transformed.  That is God's goal.  He wants HIS love to spread like wild fire so HE can win souls for HIM.  So that we can spend perfect eternity with HIM.  

So when you say (or sing), "Jesus loves me..."  make sure you emphasize the right person.  That person is NEVER me.  It's NEVER you.   That person is ALWAYS Jesus. We in our human condition (as my preacher likes to say it) tend to make things about us.  We are good at turning any situation into one that suits us and our needs.  We have to take our selfish selves out of the equation so that we do not get in the way of what God is trying to do with us.  When we as His children choose to accept God into our lives and embrace His love for us He rejoices.  Because every soul that He captures God's glory is prevailing and the devils deceit is being rejected.  To GOD be the glory ALWAYS.

Yes, JESUS! love me.  Yes, JESUS! love me. Yes, JESUS! love me.    For the bible tells me so. 

I Gave Up Searching For the Person I Once Was

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself online looking for apartments.  I am not quite sure why I have taken up this habit.  Maybe it's because I am within a month of graduating cosmetology school and I am hoping/praying that by the end of the year I will be able to afford to live on my own.

Almost 4 years ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and move back home for a new job opportunity.  The plan at that time was to live with my parents until things settled in with my new job then I would find my own place.  Almost 4 years later and here I am...still with the parents.  In THEIR house.  4 years ago, I would have had no problem moving across country, taking a chance, living on the edge.  That was 4 years ago.  I have changed drastically over these short 4 years.  At this point in my life, the thought of moving to a different town than my parents truly scares me.

I don't think that I have lost the person that I am.  However, I do think that I have changed.  The past 4 years I have been challenged drastically in my faith, been broken down, hit rock bottom, struggled with emotional problems as well as health issues, lost a sense of who I am and who God wants me to be and quit a job that I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing.  When I say that I have felt almost every single emotion known to human kind, I mean it.  Through these past 4 years, two people have remained constant.  Two people who have never lost hope in me, who have been there for me financially, who have supported me in every decision I made, who have loved me regardless of what I have done/did, who have been my back bone for me and who have never left my side.  These two people I speak of are my amazing parents.  While going through the deepest valley of my life, my parents have been the one's who have physically and emotionally held my hand through it all.  They have been my rock.

I am saying all of this because over the past several weeks I have been trying to find the person that I once was 4 years ago.  The careless, free, adventurous, independent (at least I thought I was), full of faith, Jesus loving girl.  I have been wondering if I will ever get this girl back again.  I would like to say that I could pick up and move back to Charleston tomorrow with no problem.  But I can't.  Remember, I have changed.  During that change, my parents were the only thing that stayed the same.  They stayed the same loving, caring parents that they have always been since the day I was born.   While searching for the old Hannah, God has revealed new things to me.  I am not weak like I tend to think.  I still have my faith.  My heart still breaks for the same things. I am independent.  But during this season of my life, I still need my parents.  And that is okay.  I don't need to search for the Hannah I was once because I never lost her.  I just need to be content in the person that I am.  I am still a work in progress and will continue to be the rest of my days.    

I am still healing.  I am still trying to figure things out.  I am still trying to get my life back on track. 

I know that God is my healer.  He already has my life figured out.  And while I think that I may have fallen of the track, God just created a different path for me.  God strategically gave me the parents who have been His hands and feet for me.  They never turned me away.  They never gave up on me.  They gave me shelter.  They gave me food.  They loved me regardless.  They stood up for me when I couldn't.  They have extended grace and mercy.  They except me for who I am, my flaws and all.  They are exactly what God does for me on a daily basis.  He just gave me two humans to physically show me who He is and how powerful His love is.  Daily, I fail God.  Daily, God loves, forgives, shows grace and ultimately carries all of my sins for me.  Right now more than ever I need God strongly present in my life, and during this season, He has chosen to use my parents to be God's hands and feet for me.  So I will stop trying to find the adventurous, I want to move far, far away and be independent girl and be content in knowing that right now I just need my parents.  I just need Jesus.

 That does not mean that I don't want to get my own place and gain back some of my independence.  Hopefully by the end of the year I will have my own apartment.  Here in the Winston-Salem area where my parents are just a few minutes drive away.  So if I am having a Dramatic Hannah moment, my parents will be there with open arms and a shoulder to cry on.  Maybe in the future this will change.  Until then, I will cherish the wonderful times I will have with my parents that God so graciously chose to put in my life.

Being single is not a curse...

We are just a few weeks away from one of the most loving days of the year.  The one where you show your loved one how much you appreciate them, how much you care about them and how much you love them.  I'm sure you can guess by now that I am talking about Valentine's Day.  AKA: Single Awareness Day.  Here I come...on my 24th year of spending this Valentines Day alone.  Did I just admit that?  I have never had a Valentine in my whole life.  Whew...that feels better to let that one out.  I used to be quite embarrassed to admit that.  Because in my mind...I felt like there must be something wrong with me.  Why have I gone my whole 24 years of living without experiencing what it feels like to have a significant other?  To know what it feels like to have flowers sent to me just because.  To get a sweet love note left on my car.  To have that good morning text to wake up to.  I am here to tell you that I am no longer ashamed nor do I feel like I have some sort of "I will never find love disease."

The life of singleness is not easy for someone my age.  It almost seems that every time I sign onto facebook another person has gotten engaged, has gotten married, went on an amazing date, found out they are pregnant or just had their second child.  Ti's the season in my life for these type of events to happen.  And I think I speak for every single person out there...It is hard.  It is hard to see others getting engaged, it is hard to see others starting families, it is hard to see someones love-life flourishing right before your eye's while you are sitting over here drinking a bottle of wine and watching sappy love movies while forcing your dog to cuddle with you.  If I could have it my way...I would have my facebook for just my single friends and then a separate facebook for all my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  If I were to be honest, I would rarely sign onto the facebook with all of my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  I'm sure I am speaking for all of my single friends when I say that.

As I have examined my life, I have tried understand why I am where I am today.  Why am I still single?  With much prayer and reading God's word...here are 2 simple conclusions.

• It is simply not my time.
• God has put no age limit on the right time to find true love.  There is no where in the bible that states you must be married by 21 and you better start your family by the time you turn 22.  God is using me and my singleness for His glory in this season of my life.  While sometimes I do not understand why I am single, God will never let me feel as though I am less of a christian because of singleness.  He is using me, my talents and gifts through my singleness that would maybe hold me back if I were in a relationship.  
• God is still preparing my heart as well as my future husbands heart.
• If you are anything like me you are probably rolling your eye's right about now.  I used to be so sick of reading books, blogs, articles about preparing your heart for marriage.  I used to think...why is God taking so long to prepare my heart while Susie Q. over there is getting married at the age of 18.  I had to let go of my jealously to understand what is truly means for God to prepare your heart for your future spouse.  Each person has different gifts.  Each person goes through different trials in their life.  Each person is designed to accomplish different things in their life to glorify God.  God knows my desire.  He knows how badly I desire to one day find my God-mate.  But God also knew us before we were born.  He skillfully designed each and every one of us so that we can live out His story and His love.  Susie Q. was meant for marriage at 18 because God had specific path for her so that she can live out God's love and truth.  God specifically designed me to wait for a relationship so that I can ultimately glorify Him during my singleness season.  He has a plan...He is preparing me every day so that I will live out His love and share His story.  He is using my singleness right here and right now.  Someones got to do it...and He CHOSE me.  So I finally had to surrender and say God use me at your will, for your glory in my days of singleness.   

Being single is not a curse.  It does not mean you are less of a christian.  He does not mean you have some sort of anti-love disease.  It does not mean that you will be single forever.  I do believe that God puts desires in your hearts and if you so desire to one day be married...God will full-fill that desire.  But God will also do it in His timing.  Under His conditions...not yours.  I am not saying that it still won't sting occasionally when you see that "I'm engaged!" status update.  It won't mean that you won't still struggle with that desire to have someone in your life who is your love, who will drop everything to listen to you, who will love you even on your bad days.  But I can promise you that God is still using YOU.  He still needs God-fearing single people in this world to show people God's love, to live out His story.  He uses us just like he uses married couples.  I do believe that one day I will find the man that God has designed for me.  He's just choosing to use us in different ways so that we may glorify Him before we find each other.  

Be bold. Show love.  Show grace.  Show mercy. Show patience. Because after God is through using you in your single days...He will have a WHOLE new task for you while He uses you during your married days.  

If I only knew what I was getting myself into...

June 24th, 2013, I walked into a building full of females.  Obviously, being that I am a girl, I would have known what I was getting into.  Boy, I was very wrong.  Cosmetology school is not a joke.  Mentally, physically, emotionally it is draining.  All of these ladies come from different backgrounds, have different struggles, suffer from different issues going on in their lives.  One thing everyone that everyone does have in common is that we ALL have a story. (and hair...hopefully we all love hair.)  There are roughly 80 students in the school.  We are there 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  So you can imagine that we all get to know each other.  We become a very disfunctional family.

The first few months were pretty tough on me.  I felt like I was thrown into a lions den and I had no way out.  The only option I felt like I had was to stay as quiet and still as possible so that I could hopefully make it out alive.  In other words, I shut myself off.  I felt like I was there to get my schooling so I could take state board and become a license cosmetologist.  Quite frankly, I was not there to make friends.  Of course, I wasn't mean or turned my nose up to people I just did not care to take a relationship further than past the doors of the school.  I didn't care to deal with the petty drama that females are naturally drawn too.  When you put 80 females together...you will have a full on drama war.  Unfortunately, that is our nature.

After a few months, I started getting to know some of these girls are more of a personal level.  I started to hear their struggles, see their pain and listen to their story.  My heart began to break.  I often pray to God to break my heart for what breaks His and when I felt my heart start to shatter I knew that God answered my prayer once again.  These ladies comes from all different walks of life and backgrounds and a lot of it is so foreign to me.  I am fortunate that I don't have divorced parents or a broken home.  So many of these ladies have had to deal with things that are unimaginable.  I really began to care for a lot of these girls.  And whether they know it or not, I have shed several tears just hearing some of their stories.    I have learned that these ladies are strong, courageous, smart, and extremely talented.  At the same time, I still see pain and sadness in their eyes.

I have gotten the reputation in the school as the "little innocent Hannah."  If someone cusses or says something that may be a little vulgar and they see me standing there, they will often apologize to me. I do think it is so funny that they feel the need to do that but I do love that they have enough respect to do that too.  I often say that God has blessed and cursed me with the ability to care so much for people that I feel as if I literally carry their hurt and pain.  Whether these ladies realize it or not, I do feel with them and hurt with them.  Every time I hear a piece of one of their stories I do carry that with me.

I came into this experience blind and day by day I am seeing more and more.  I truly to care for the girls that I have made somewhat of a connection with.  And while I do not typically hang out with them past the doors of the school, I do often think and pray for each one.  They are truly amazing individuals.  Hopefully I can impact them as much as they have impacted me with their life stories.  God puts you in places for a reason and I am trying to make my impact to better glorify Him and to help build His kingdom.

If you truly want to meet a bunch of crazy, wonderful, wild, beautiful, courageous and talented people put yourself in cosmetology school.  God will surly open your eyes and break your heart all for HIS glory.

Why I choose not to make New Years Resolutions

It is finally 2014! Where did the last 10 years of my life go?  I feel like my life has been on fast forward and I have yet to find a pause button.  Even though I feel like everything is in fast motion I am very grateful for another year.  Another year to spend with family, make new friends, spend time with old friends, laugh, love, do something I have never done before, start my new career, and many more things to come in 2014.  Maybe I will find a pause button along the way. :-)

New year brings many things.  One in particular is resolutions.  You often see people posting about resolutions and talking about resolutions.  I am going to be very honest with you.  I have never made a New Years resolution.  I think making a New Years Resolution is a great way to start the year and I commend people who do so and take it seriously.  For me though, I choose not to.  Quite honestly, I have a very hard time to stick with what I say I will do.  I have been like this since forever.  It has always been a struggle of mine and a huge frustration for my parents.  At a very young age my Mom would be me in basketball and before the season was up, I was very ready to quit.  Same happened with softball.  And dance.  And golf.  Oh and don't let me forget the many instruments and lessons I went through. Piano, Cello, Violin, clarinet.  I could go on with a list of things that I would start but never had the drive to complete but I'll stop there.  I think I have made my point that I have a very difficult time with following through.  So now you can understand why New Years Resolutions were not in my life.

Over the past few days, I have been thinking about resolutions and if I should make one this year.  But I just could not do it.  I don't want to set myself up for failure and I believe that's exactly what I would be doing.  Another thing I vow I will do and then 2015 comes just around the corner (remember, my life is on fast forward. 2015 will be here before I know it) and find myself to be a failure again at whatever I say I will do for my resolution.

So I am not here to bash myself, I promise.  In saying all of this and thinking about this I have concluded something about myself.  I am not a planner.  I don't make plans nor do I like to map out my life.  I am a person who lives my life day to day.  I live my life on how I feel in that moment.  Right or wrong...that's how I live.  And honestly, I have come to terms with that.  Several years ago when I felt the call into ministry, within a couple of days, I had withdrew from college and on the path to pursue ministry.  When I found out there was an opening at my home church for a Program Ministry Director, I did not hesitate to take that position.  When I decided that "paid ministry" was not for me, I chose to walk away.  When I found out my parents were moving to NC, I was right there with them ready to go.  When I chose to go to Cosmetology school, I made that decision within one day and within a week I was enrolled.  That has been my pattern.  I go off of how I am feeling in that moment.

You would think that my life is a train wreck the way the past few years have gone.  And quite honestly, I feel as though that might be true.  But as I reflect back, every decision I made God always proved to shine light on the situation for me.

• When I quit college, I had a full-time job within a week with full benefits.
• When there became an opening at my home church, I got offered the job.
• When I chose to leave the job at the church, God gave me the opportunity to leave and start over in a completely different setting. (Which is what I needed.)
• When my Dad's job was in jeopardy, God provided a job which in turn provided me with a roof over my head and food to eat. (I was out of a job for almost 6 months and my parents were there for me during that time.) 
• And when I made the abrupt decision to go to cosmetology school, God made a way and gave me the ambition, motivation, and drive to do it. (Now I am only a little over 3 months of completing school!)

 I can't even begin to describe how God has covered me in all of His grace and opening doors for me over these past couple of years.  All of these decisions were made on a whim.  And whether they were the correct decision or not, God was always there to pick up the pieces, put them back together and give me a hard kick in the butt to keep moving. (yes, I do believe God wants/has to kick me in the butt sometimes to get me going.)

So why do I not make New Years Resolutions?  Quite honestly, I don't know where this year will take me.  I don't know what I feel God is going to call me to do. So I can't bring myself to make a resolution that I don't know if I can do.  I don't want to trap myself into doing something just because I told myself I would and not listen to what God is calling me to do in that moment.  I want to leave myself open to all possibilities. Things could change and I must change with them if that is what I feel God wants from me.  I do know that in every decision I make, every goal I decide to set God will be there.  And if I feel as though I have failed...God will quickly show me the good out of it.  I do pray that in this coming year, I can be guided in every goal I set for myself.  I know that when I decide something, I can depend on God to show me the way and give me the drive to do it.  And I can be confident in knowing that if I don't follow through with something, God will either kick me in the butt to get it done or put me on another path so that He can ultimately get the glory.  In everything I say and do, all of the promises I make, all of the goals I set I pray that God will ultimately get the glory.  I will leave my New Years resolution up to God to make for me.

Bring it on 2014 because with God on my side, I will not be a failure!

ps.  I do promise to blog more this year though :)  Praying God helps to keep me in check with this promise.

Happy New Year!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that does not come easily to me.  I have a hard time removing my hurt from the situation and looking at the person who I feel has hurt me as a child of God.  They are indeed a child of the One who will forgive and shower you with undeserving grace.  

A beautiful song written by Shane and Shane describes this God's grace, forgiveness and love so well.  

The lyrics read:

Gracious
Slow to anger
Abounding in love
Good to all
All who call upon You
You will rescue and forgive

This is why I live

You lived a life I could never live
You died the death, oh, that I deserve
You rose to life and now You live
That's how You forgive

Forgive me
In Your mercy
I'm unworthy of Your love
I'm running back to all I have in You
My gracious King

This is why I sing

The measure of your love
You came and died for us
Let us not forget
That's how you forgive

The first time I heard this song the lyrics burned in my heart.  I kept thinking how do I have the right to stay angry at someone who God has already forgiven?  Who am I to hold on to resentment towards someone who God feels is worthy of His forgiveness?  HOW AM I WORTHY ENOUGH FOR GOD'S FORGIVENESS?  

God sent His son to this earth to die for ME and for YOU.  His death was a brutal betrayal done by the exact people who God deemed worthy of forgiveness.  The same people who beat, mocked, and hung Him to the cross are the same people who God extended grace and forgiveness too.   

I try to live my life to be more Christ-like.  In doing that, forgiveness is a must.  Showing grace and forgiveness to someone could possibly be the only Jesus they will ever see.  Grace has been showered over me countless times by my loving, Heavenly Father.  If God can forgive me, anyone is worthy enough for MY forgiveness.  As cheesy as this saying is I still love it... "LET GO AND LET GOD."  Let go of your pride, forgive the person and let God work on both of you. 

Typical Christian Sayings

I hear and read these words often:

- God has a plan for you.

- Remember, it's on God's time...not your time.

- Never worry or have anxiety...hand all your worries over to God.

- Put your faith in God, He will always show you the way.

- You're just going through a tough season of your life right now.  There is purpose in it.

- God has that special person out there for you...don't worry.  Besides you're young and have plenty of time!

I could go on with more of these typical christian sayings.  I am guilty of saying them myself to friends who may be struggling.  While I do believe that these sayings are true I also believe that sometimes they are the last things I want to hear.  Over the past couple of years, I have struggled deeply with happiness.  Happiness has just been absent from my life.  I am not saying that I have not had happy and joyous times over the past couple of years because I have.  

I am saying this...

Most mornings I wake up, role over and think to myself..."am I going to make it through this day?  God, I just need motivation to get out of this bed.  Please help me just get through another day so I can come back home climb back into my bed and sometimes forget this day existed."  When I have this thought some mornings, I do know that the only thing that is going to get me through the day is God's faithfulness, love and healing.  

If this sounds familiar to you, you would probably diagnose this as depression.  While I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression, I do know that this is been my deepest struggle over the past couple of years.  When at the end of the day your are exhausted from over exerting yourself mentally just because you are trying your best to stay positive throughout the day.  When being happy feels more like a chore than a natural feeling.  When you feel like you have absolutely no control of your feelings.  When you feel as if no one understands you.  When you feel like collapsing on your bed and wishing the day to be over and crying out to God for tomorrow to be better.  I know that most everyone feels like this in their lifetime.  Some people have more of extreme feelings than others.  

For someone who has been in that place more times than not over the past couple of years, the last thing we want to hear is those "typical christian phrases" that people say when they see their friend struggling with depression/anxiety.  It almost feels as if we are not allowed these feelings or that we are less of a christian because of these feelings.  

There are many verses, stories in the bible that touches on this topic.  

Matthew comes to mind the most to me:

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

While these verses do bring me comfort, it does not take away my struggle.  I recognize that I have a problem with depression/anxiety just as an recovering alcoholic recognizes that he is an alcoholic.  The difference is, an alcoholic can completely remove alcohol from his life.  He does not have to go to bars, He does not have alcohol in his home, surround himself by people who do not drink.  Therefore, he is able to control his "struggle."  Someone who struggles with depression/anxiety has no way of removing life from their life. You can not remove your feelings.  People can not control how they react to life.  (Some people may argue that point or have a different opinion.  I am okay with that.  If you know me personally, let's sit down and have a cup of coffee over this subject. :)

I have struggled with thinking that I am less of a christian or I must not trust God because of what has been drilled into my head...basically being told that if you are a christian, you should never worry, be sad, have anxiety.  You should know to hand it over to God.  

Rick Warren who is a very well known pastor in California lost his son this past year to mental illness. Mental illness is what killed him...not suicide.  His son struggled his whole life with mental illness.  Rick Warren and his family have become the voice for mental illness in the church. To me, it has not been talked about in the church near enough.  I know I have tried covering up my struggles because for me, I felt as if I had no right to be feeling the way I do because I am a christian.  Christians aren't supposed to struggle with mental illness.

People who struggle with this do not need to feel as if they are wrong or unworthy.  They do not need to feel like because of this life struggle God is shaking His head in shame at them.  Instead, they need to feel God's love.  They need to feel God's understanding.  They need to know that even Jesus when on this earth struggled with human emotions.  From happiness to devastation.  He laughed, he cried.  He became angry and He Himself even questioned God.  They need a shoulder to cry on, ears that will listen, love that covers them and understanding that comforts them.  

My name is Hannah and this is the Real Me.

Social media has changed our society, changed the way we live, and changed our relationships.  With social media, I can be whoever I want.  I can make YOU believe that whatever I put out there on the World Wide Web, that is who I am.

If you were to look at my facebook, my life would come across as:

• She must have the BEST relationship with her family. They seem to always be full of laughter and fun!
• She has to read the bible everyday, that's why she post bible verses all the time.
• She sits around and watch funny youtube video's all day so she can post them on Facebook.
• She is constantly doing ridiculous things in my everyday life.  
• Her stomach hurts ALL the time!
• She LOVES Charleston, SC!

Now, if you were to look at my Pinterest boards you would think:

• She must cook ALL the time!
• She has to be pretty crafty.
• I'm sure she can paint, she post artwork all the time.
• She really must like to read.
• I'm sure she reads the bible a lot.
• She must be a very thrifty shopper.
• She is very stylish.

Let me begin by saying this; yes, all of those assumptions that you could make from my social media outlets are true to an extent but my life is far from what I can make facebook and pinterest look like.  

Here is a list of the misconceptions of my social media pages:

• While I do love my family very, very much...it is not roses as my facebook would claim.  We fight, we argue, we bicker.   I get on my parents nerves and boy do they get on mine some days.  
• I do not read the bible all the time.  This is something that I have always struggled with in my faith walk.  I think it is crucial to spend time in the Word everyday but this has always been a struggle to me.
• While some of my post looks like my life is a "walking mess" all the time, I can promise you that I do have it together...sometimes.
• While I do love cooking, I sometimes do hate it.  With my restricted diet, I get frustrated easily and it can take all the fun out of it.
• I am NOT crafty what-so-ever.
• I like to think I am artsy.
• My name and "thrifty" should never be in the same sentence.
• Stylish? pshh...
• Unless it is a really, really, REALLY good book...reading is the last thing I want to do.

I am blogging about this because I want you to know me.  The real me.  I am a flawed, sinful human who's life is not all together as facebook may portray it as.  I want you to relate to me.  I want you to see my flaws and imperfections.  I want you to understand that while I do live a life to try and glorify God in everything I do, I fail miserably.  I want you to understand that my purpose of this blog is to relate to ALL people.  I want my testimony to reach every kind of person.  Because if I am going to be the "real me" I can promise you that I can relate to a liar, thief, someone is sexual sin, a girl who had a baby at 15, someone who dropped out of high school, someone who has been bullied, children from a broken home, and even people who don't know God.  This does not mean that I experienced all those things but I can relate to YOU.  You know why? Because I am human just like you. I want to take myself from behind my computer screen and into your life.  God has put me on this earth to love and share His love.  I can't do that if I live a facebook or pinterest life.  My faith walk can be a bumpy road but because of God's love and grace, He will NEVER make me take that bumpy road alone.  So by His example, I want you to know that no matter what, I will extend love and grace to whoever crosses my path.  Without the cross and the blood that was shed, my story would mean nothing.  I need His grace to wash over me daily.  I can't hide my sins and flaws from God through social media and I don't want to hide them from you. I feel like I would be defeating my purpose and God's purpose for me. 

My name is Hannah and this is the REAL me.

I finally figured out what God wants me to be!

Over the past two years I began a journey that I was not prepared for nor did I think I would ever go on.  These past couple of years have been extremely tough.  I have battled with many personal things in my life that I am still trying to heal from.  That's why people refer to life as a journey I suppose...you never know where it will take you.  

I have been forced to really examine my life and figure out exactly what God is calling me to be.  For a while, I truly felt abandoned by God.  I felt like I wasn't getting a clear answer as to what I am supposed to be.  I saw all of my peers from high school college graduation pictures and them moving on to "real" careers.  I have a sister who went straight through college and made it look like a breeze. She had her masters by age 22 and was working in DC.  I often compared myself to these people trying to figure out why they knew what they wanted to do and I had no clue.  I have declared many times that I KNOW WHAT GOD WANTS ME TO DO; but in the back of my mind, I knew I had no idea what I was doing.  God has finally opened my eyes to understand that He has given me a clear path.  He has showed me who I am supposed to be.  And the whole time...I knew it. 

Are you ready for me to tell you what I am supposed to be?  It's huge and yet so simple.  

I am supposed to be a Follower of Christ who lives my life as an example of who God is.  I am supposed to find the lost and share God's amazing love to them.  I am called to love ALL people so that they may know who God is.

THAT'S IT!  That's what I am supposed to do!  I finally realized that I can't disappoint God with any career choice that I make as long as I am doing what He has called me to do.  As my church's motto goes, "Love all people into a relationship with Jesus Christ" and if I do that, I am doing exactly what He wants me to do.  I was focusing so much on the career He was leading me to do rather than what He is ultimately calling me to do.

With all that being said, I made a huge decision today.  A couple of years ago, my mom sat me down and suggested for me to go to cosmetology school.  It made sense to her because I do enjoy hair and make-up.  I love experimenting with my own hair and I like playing around with other people's hair.  So it made sense to her.  My sister and my Dad also suggested that I do something like that too, but at the time I had other plans.  Not to long ago, I came home after getting my hair done and said to my mom, "why don't I look into cosmetology school."  Not in these exact words but she basically said, if you had listened to me a couple years ago, you would already be doing that!  I'm not one for letting other people tell me what I should do.  I'm the type of person to where it has to be my idea.  I know it's not a good trait...it's something that I need to work on.  My mom was very supportive and we got on the ball of looking at different cosmetology schools in this area.  Today, I made the decision to enroll in Regency Cosmetology school and will begin June 24th.  I am so excited...I am ready to start now!  

As I have briefly talked about in some previous blogs...I think it is very important for us ladies to lift each other up.  I feel like working in this industry, I will have plenty of opportunity to lift ladies up, minister to people, love people and listen to people.  I have to be honest and say that this is not something I ever saw myself doing, but it's like a light bulb turned on and the passion has come.  I am excited about this new adventure.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.  He is always faithful.  So blessed to serve such an understanding and loving God who is so patient with people like me!

Finding the right church is difficult...

I officially moved to Winston-Salem, NC in October of 2012.  We are now in March and I feel as if I am just now trying to start my life here.  One of the biggest challenges I have faced since moving here is finding the "right" church for me.  I grew up in a Methodist church but during my younger teenage years, I started feeling as though denominations did nothing but separate us as christians.  I started seeing things in the Methodist church that I did not fully agree with as well as the stigma attached to certain churches.

 So during my college years, I made the decision to attend a non-denominational church.  I was involved with a college ministry for a little over a year which I considered my weekly worship.  I soon begin to crave something a little more so I started attending another church which I fell in love with.  I loved how they did things and I loved the preaching.  I felt as though I was getting fully spiritually fed for the first time in my life.

An opportunity became available at the Methodist church I grew up in where a Program Ministry Director  position became available.  At that time in my life, I felt I was being called into youth ministry and that position focusing on youth, I quickly jumped on the opportunity.  During that short time of me being back at my home church, slowly but shirley I began falling.  I wasn't getting the spiritual feeding that is necessary for a christian life.  Part of that was due to me trying to keep up with my job (if I am going to be honest, I bit off way more than I could chew), part of that was my Godly friends were 2.5 hours away from me, and part of that was not feeling as though I was apart of a church.  I almost felt as though I was a slave to the church because I wasn't getting what I needed in return from it.

With all that being said, because of my previous involvement with the church, it made it that much harder to find a church here in Winston.  I am super cautious...not wanting to get caught up in a church that I feel is focusing more on the numbers in the church rather than the spirituality of the church.  I didn't want to be a part of a church where I feel as though they put God in a box and is scared of the Holy Spirit being present in the church.  I didn't want to be a part of a church that holds tradition higher than what direction God wants the church to go.  On the flip side of that, I didn't want to go to a church where I felt as if I needed ear-plugs and rocking out at a rock concert.  I didn't want to be at a church where they put so much focus on the whole production of the show rather than the Holy worship setting.  I wanted to see a cross up front rather than "cool" graphic designs.  I wanted to be a part of a church who recognizes ALL major Christian holidays...from Palm Sunday to Pentecost Sunday.  Not just Christmas and Easter.  Finding a church is a big deal for me but I knew it wouldn't be easy.

After many months of going to every church in town as well a lot of prayer...I feel like my parents and I found a church.  I am honestly shocked we all three feel as though this is the right church for us.  My parents are used to a little more traditional where as I want something a little more laid back but not a rock concert.  To my surprise, it is a Methodist church.  You would never know it was a United Methodist Church unless you looked it up.  They took the Methodist emblem off their sign.  They are contemporary, the preacher is one of the best I have heard, and they are truly about making disciples of Christ without focusing on the number of members they have.  I am so happy we came across Hillsdale United Methodist Church.  Not having a church home has been missing from my life for quite sometime.  I am excited to learn about this church, see what they are doing in ministry, and hopefully meet people my age.  It might take a few frustrating months...but God will answer prayers.

Broken

Today, on my way home from work I got to catch up with a dear friend of mine.  She is someone who I admiral, who I love, and who's heart for The Lord is on fire.  I am so blessed she is in my life.  Just as I have been with the blogging world lately, I have also been with my friends...a little absent.  But that is something I am well aware of and I am working on getting better with keeping up with blogging as well as keeping up with my relationships with friends and family.  So after not talking with this dear friend for quite some time...it was so refreshing to catch up with her.

As we were talking, I asked her how she was doing.  Her response was everything is fine, I just have a heavy heart.  She continued to tell me that a friend of ours told about this child who was born in a brothel in India. This child, now 1, is being tortured.  From the day she was born, she was kept in a cardboard box.  No one was allowed to touch her, hold her, love her, kiss her, hug her...no human contact.  When the baby cried, she would be beaten.  My friend goes on to say that there is a lady who is doing her best to rescue this little helpless, innocent, beautiful baby.  Unfortunately, rescuing anyone from human trafficking is not easy.

I can not help but be in the same place as my friend right now.  Broken. I can not speak for my friend but more emotions come over me.  Anger. Confused. Sad. Revenge. Hopeless. Helpless.  While I do believe that these feelings are human, I know that these feelings will get me nowhere.  These feelings are what the devil want from us.  He wants us to be confused.  He wants us to feel helpless.  With these feelings, he believes he has won.  Friends, I can assure you the devil has not won.  Jesus has already won that war a long time ago.  There is hope in knowing that God is here.  God is aware.  God is fighting for these innocent victims.  God is with them.  But God also needs us.  As His people, we need to fall on our knees and cry out to Him with this issue.  We need to pray fervently for this evil that has taken away so many people's innocents.  We need to take action and fight for the ones who have no voice.  We need to continue to have broken hearts.  This little baby who has been given the nickname of Sweetie, needs so much prayer.  She needs to know that there is a God out there who loves her beyond her comprehension.  As His people, we need to be His love for her.  I wish I could hold her, rock her, kiss her, love her, tell her how much I love her, tell her she is worth something, feed her, cloth her.  All the necessities that any baby should have and needs.

For those who read this blog, I do ask that you join in on praying for this precious baby, Sweetie.  Prayer is so powerful.  Sweetie needs a voice.  Please be that voice for her.

If you would like more information on this please let me know.  I will be glad to forward an email on the specific details of this situation of how they are trying to rescue her. 

Power of words

 I am known to be very honest and vulnerable in my writings.  I do this because I want other people who may be going through similar feelings or situations to know that they are not alone.  As I have said before, life is hard.  I'm here to do life with you through my writing.

Not long ago, I told one of my dear friends that I have thought to write on my mirrors, "you are beautiful."  I wasn't saying that to sound conceded, I was saying it because it's a daily struggle to for me to actually believe that.  I also need to go on to write, "you are worth something, you are smart, you can do anything you set your mind to do, you deserve nothing but the best."  I'm sure by now, you see a pattern.  If you're thinking that I struggle with confidence issues then you are absolutely correct.  I am very good at telling other people how beautiful, smart, that they deserve nothing but the best but when it comes to me...I struggle with it.  I have been told that I can't take a compliment.  Ever since I was a little girl, I struggled with confidence.  I was always chunkier than my friends.  I went through a phase in elementary school where all I wore was  wind suits. (You can tell I grew up in the 90s.) While all of my friends had their little boyfriends in elementary school through high school....I stayed clear away from the boys.  I made people believe that I didn't need a boyfriend and simply wasn't interested.  But deep down, it was my insecurities.  I made myself believe that no guy could possibly like me.

I'm not writing this blog to gain sympathy.  I'm simply writing this because I know that I am not alone in feeling this way.  Last night, I had a conversation with a very dear and close friend of mine.  She expressed to me how important she believes the power of words are to people.  She said that this past year she has really focused on uplifting people and being positive in their life.  I lived with this wonderful lady for two years and let me tell you...if you ever need an ego boost...she can do it.  In my opinion, she has always been amazing at uplifting people and pointing out their positive traits.  She knows all the deep, dark, dirty secrets of my life but she is sure to point out only the positive.

I think that it is crucial for us as human beings to have this mentality that my friend has.  Where she makes it a priority to be uplifting to everyone around her.  I do believe girls are the absolute worst when it comes to tearing girls down.  We are so critical of each other and it all stems from our own insecurities.  I believe that it is so important for ladies to encouraging and uplifting towards each other.  Confidence is a struggle for many people but the power of positive words can make a world of difference in someone's life.

So if you need to write all over your mirror, "you are beautiful, you are smart, you can do anything, you are worth something, and you deserve the best" then do it.  But I also encourage you to do the same to your friends, peers, co-workers.  Words can truly change someone's life.

Giglio respectfully withdrawing Obama's invitation.

What I am about to write and what lays heavy on me is a very controversal subject.  Therefore, this will be a controversal blog.  But let me go ahead and clarify, I love everybody.  I am a little hesitant on writing and posting on this subject but I feel very passionate about this and pray that those will not take offense but rather understand where I am coming from.

Over the past several days, I have been following Louie Giglio and his invite by President Obama to do the benediction at his second term ignargaration.  Of course, Giglio felt honored and happily accepted his invitation.  President Obama has partnered and praised Giglio's passion for ending slavery that still exsist today.  Giglio is a pastor in Atlanta, Georgia where he started Passion City Church.  Atlanta is the number one human trafficking hub in the US.  To me, it is clear that God has purposfully placed Giglio in Atlanta to help bring awareness to the issue.  Recently, he has started an "End It" movement to put a stop to modern day slavery.  At Passion 2013, (Passion is put on every year which was started by Giglio for young people to come together to learn, praise, and give to our awesome God)  Giglio, inspired over 60,000 young people to give 3.5 million to end slavery.  

Shortly after Giglio accepted the Presidents invitation to give the benediction, a sermon that he did 20 years ago surfaced all over the internet.  The sermon spoke on homosexuality.  Because of this sermon and the topic, it was labled as a hate speach.  Anyone who has listened to Giglio's sermons knows that nothing but God inspired words and love comes from his mouth.  Why is it a shock that a christian believes that homosexuality is a sin?  Giglio is a well-known Christ follower who's allegiance is to Christ and uses the bible as his intruction book to life.  His allegiance is not to this world or culture.  He speacks and preaches Truth.  I have not heard the sermon but I have read many quotes from it.  Giglio spoke of sexual sin.  Not just homesexuality.  Sexual sin can be between a man and women just as much as it can be between a woman and woman or man and man.  Just because our culture is becoming accepting of this sexual sin does not mean that we as christians should bow down to the cultural belief.  Once again, as christians, our allegiance is to God, not to culture.  Giglio never said homosexuals were not welcomed in his church.  In fact, he welcomes them.  He wants to share God's truth and mercey with them.  Just like he would welcome a fornicater, a liar and a cheater.  His goal is to bring people to Christ and share with them His love.  After the scandal of this particular sermon surfacing, Giglio respectfully withdrew his invitation.  

What has really upset me about this whole situation, people have turned Giglio into this gay-hating man.  Instead of praising him for his amazing efforts to end slavery, some people only know him as the preacher who gave a gay hate sermon.  I believe that it is extremly selfish to bring the attention off of mondern-day slavery to a gay-rights issue. To me, slavery is way more important.  There are people in the world who have no rights and no control over their lives.  They live to please someone else. They are used as manual labor slaves as well have sex-slaves.  They live day to day in fear.  And most of these victims in slavery are children.  So to the people who have turned what Giglio truly stands for and is trying to do to put an end to slavery to a gay-hating individual...shame on you.  Because of your pride, you have taken away from what Giglio is trying to do to end slavery.  To me, making this into a gay-rights issue was something not worth fighting for.  Brining people and children out of slavery IS something worth fighting for.  Shame on those who have turned the focus onto their selfish pride.

It is so comforting to have men in this world like Louie Giglio who stands for what we as christians believe.  Who are courageous enough to say, I will not be a slave to this culture.  Who looks to God as his inspriation and leader.  Who is willing to endure these hate comments so that he can take a stand for The Lord.  Thank you, Louie Giglio, for sharing the love of Christ to ALL people so they have a chance to live an eternal life with our amazing God.  I pray that that people see Giglio for who he truly is and will look past their misunderstanding about him and come together to support him in trying to end slaver.  

Mary, Did You Know?

 It's Christmas Eve and I have this sudden urge to write, so I have stepped away from my family, nesseled myseld into my bed and here I am.  It has been a couple of months since my last post.  I have purposefully taken a break from blogging.  I needed time to become situated in my new life, in my new house with my new job.(I'll blog more about all of my changes later.)

Tonight, I want to write about something that has laid heavy on my heart over these past few weeks.  And what has sparked it was a simple Christmas song, Mary Did You Know.  I have heard this song many, many times.  Infact, it is one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs.  These past few weeks, I have truly been trying to really grasp this song.  I wish I could tell you by now I totally get it.  I completely understand it.  Mary, did you know.  Did you know that you were going to have a Son that was going to save the world?  Did you know that your Son was going to heal the sick and broken.  And the real question...Did you know your Son was going to save us by being beaten, mocked and nailed to the cross?  Did you know?  Yes, Mary did know.  But I still have a hard to grasping and understanding.  I am not a mother so I don't fully understand what it is like to love a child of your own.  I have a very good understanding as I have a mother who has modeled what a mothers love should look like.  I have an understanding what it is like to love a child because God has put many in my pathway that I have truly fallen in love with.  But to actually understand what it is like to love your OWN child, I am not able to understand that quite yet.  Mary had the understanding of what it was like to love her own child.  I have questioned myself, would I have been like Mary.  Would I have said yes to birthing and raising a child who I knew would be taken from me?  Could I have sat there and watched him become hated by so many that they gave Him the death sentense.  Would I have been able to watch Him be mocked, beaten and nailed to a cross.  Would I have said yes?  Mary said yes with no questioning.

Mary was just like me.  I don't know if I will ever understand how she said yes.  But on this Christmas, I want to have the happiness and be filled with the same kind of love Mary had when she birthed baby Jesus.  I want to be like Mary. I want her courage, her faith, her love, and her great understanding.  Mary's love for her son Jesus was just as strong as any mother's love for their child but because of her love for God, she was able to say yes.  Baby Jesus was born to an amazing woman of God.  Mary is the type of woman I want to strive to be.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Ask. Seek. Knock.

Prayer is so powerful.  It's our way of communicating with our Heavenly Father.  It is how we develop that intimate relationship with Him.  I can't even begin to describe what prayer has done for me.  I have cried, laughed, yelled, scream, and simply just talked during my prayer time.  Prayer can heal the sick, heal the heart, sooth your soul, fix the broken, change people's hearts, help the poor, and mend broken relationships.

 

Prayer is the most powerful tool we have as christians but I often feel people get prayer confused with action.  What do I mean by that?  I have heard people say, "I need to pray about it" more as an exscuse for being scared to actually do something about it.  I have been guilty of this.  Don't get me wrong...every decision you make should be prayerfully considered.  But the biggest mistake you can make is to use it as an exscuse not to pursue what you feel God is telling you to do.  With prayer comes action.  "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." Col. 3:23.  Do you notice the key word?  Work.  It doesn't say, pray with all your heart.  It says, "work with all your heart."  Work means action.  Of course you should pray first, but it should be immiantly followed by action.

 

One example that comes to mind is finances.  I have heard many people, including myself who often complain and pray about finances but was never faithful to tithing.  We are commanded to tithe.  How do we claim to have faith God will come through without action.  Simply praying about it without following His command through action will lead us to disapointment.

 

James 2: 14-17 says, "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

Luke 11:9 says it best, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. Do all of these things and God will bless every part of your life. You will receive blessings you could never have even asked for. "

 

And that my friend is what we must do.  Ask (pray). Seek (listen).  Knock (action).  Prayer must be immediantly  followed by action for you to see answers from prayer.  Don't use prayer as an exscuse not to take action.  The Gospel is to urgent and to important to not take action.

 

Do work!!  That is what God commands of us!

Walking Away From Ministry

How do we know when it is time to step back from ministry?  This is a difficult topic to write about because most people in ministry do not want to own up to the fact that this could be their reality one day.  After having over four months to process the reasons why I chose to do so, I finally feel that I can blog about it.  I was in paid ministry for less than a year (which is a whole different ball game than volunteer ministry) but I quickly became "burned out."  For many months I chose to put on a, "everything is perfectly fine face."  I made people believe that I still felt like youth ministry is where I should be.  I was able to make people bellieve that because I was doing everything in MY power to believe that.  But the more I was telling myself that, the more God was making it clear to me that I need to bow out.

How do you know when it's time to step out of ministry? 

When you start looking at it as just a job rather than your calling.

Ministry is never "just a job."  It is not something you take lightly.  Ministry is an urgent calling.  Going into ministry, we are held to a different standard in non-christian eye's.  We have to make a commitment to try and obtain that standard because we are being watched like a hawk to those people.  We have to be willing to throw the job title, the paycheck, the nice big office out the window when it comes to being in "paid" ministry.  Ministry will never be a "job."  When it becomes a "job" to you, it is time to re-evalute what God is calling you to do.

When you feel a disconnect from God.

Everybody goes through their valleys as a Christian as I have blogged about in previous post, but there is a huge difference between going through a valley and being disconnected from God.  Being disconnected means you are intentially turning away from God.  You are trying to hide from Him so you can live your life for yourself instead of living your life to bring glory to God.

When you start to feel resentment torwards God.

This is a very difficult one for me to admit but it became real feeling for me.  When you start to blame God for everything that is going wrong in your life and in your ministry, resentment is the only natural feeling that follows.  When you begin to question God out of anger of why He called you into ministry instead of questioning Him for direction.  It's okay to questions God and what he has planned for you in order to go into the direction He wants you to go.  If someone asked me to go jump off a cliff, you best believe I am going to question them as to why.  It's okay to question God, as long as you are doing it for direction.  When you begin to question Him out of anger and blame Him for everything that is going on in your ministry and life, it's time you step back and ask yourself; is it really God or is it the devil who did this.  Who are you following?  God's will for you or are you believing the devils lies that he feeding you.

When you have to talk yourself into believing that this is what God wants you to do.

When you have to tell yourself over and over that you are following God's plan for your life, you are most likely not.  When you know God is telling you to do something, you should not have to convince yourself that this is what you are supposed to do.  If it's God's calling for you, you will have absolutley no doubt in your mind.  If you are truly seeking His will for your life, He promises to guide us in the direction He wants us to go.  

Division

As a leader in the church, you are most likely accountable to another leader in the church.  When you are unable to follow the other leader because you feel you both have a different vision for the church or differences on theology, it is time to move on.  You can not lead a ministry when there is division within the church.  In a church, you cannot have the mindset that someone works for YOU or that you work for someone in the church.  As leaders, we all have one goal and that is to lead others to Christ.  We work for our Lord, not for the church.   Having the mindset that you work for the church is a sure way to lead a church to its grave.  As leaders, working together is essential.  If you can't work together then move on.

Leaving the ministry is a very tough decision but if you are experiencing these feelings, then you have no choice but to step out of ministry.  As christians, the day we gave our life to Christ we made a promise to follow Him.    Jesus  says; "follow me and I will make you fisher's of Men. (Matthew 4:19) God promises that if we choose to follow Him, He WILL use us to bring other people to Him.  If you are staying in ministry because you are scared to leave, God will not use you.  That might sound weird but just because you work in a church does not automatically make you a christian.  Just because you chose to step out of paid ministry, does not mean God won't use you.  He promised us He will if we follow Him.  It is our obligation as Christians to be fishers of men.  God never said, you have to work in a church to be fishers of men.  He simply said, "FOLLOW ME and I will make you fishers of men.  Just because God is calling you to leave the ministry does not mean He won't use you.  It just means He as a different plan in using you.

Do I believe God completly wants me to leave ministry all together?  Paid ministry? yes.  Volunteer ministry? no.  God has broken my heart for the youth of this world.  I have laid out some heavy stuff in this post to make it obvious that I clearly need to work on my broken relationship with Christ before going back into ministry even if it's just vounteer.  I have faith that God will open doors for me as to what ministries He is calling me too.  I know that seeking His will is what will lead me to those opportunities.   Although I have failed God miserably, He has never failed me.  I know that He will use my story and my experience to glorify Him.

  

Fairy Tales do come true...

Forgive me for the cheeziness of this post.  There is no other way to blog about this without the mushy cushy, cheezy, lovey dovey, fairytale romance.

Once upon a time there was a girl.  She knew that one day she would find love but never knew that it would be found with one click of a button.  (I literally mean one click of a button.)  Sitting there at her computer, scanning through profiles one seems to keep catching her eye.  So with nothing to lose, she sends him a "wink."  A "wink" on a dating website indicates, "hey I'm interested, lets get to know eachother."  The next thing she knew, they decided to meet.

After their first meeting, she called her sister to let her know how it went.  According to her, the date went well.  But several days passed by where she didn't hear from him.  Her very bright, charming, lovely sister told her to drop him like it's hot.  He's obviously not interested.  ( Her sister doesn't hide her feelings very well.)

Luckily...she did not take her sister's advice.

They did go out again.  But she was still a little confused.  He would goes days on days without texting her.  Was he interested?  She sure was.  Her sister felt the same way...drop him.  There are plenty of fish in the sea!

Once again...she did not take her very charming, smart, lovely sister's advice.

This went on for a while.  Finally, she decided to have the DTR talk. (DTR=define the relationship)  Of course her younger sister had to tell her this.  They finally DTR their relationship.  It was official. They were an item.  It didn't take long for her sweet, charming, intellegent sister to make up a nick-name for him.  Prince Edward.  During this time, the royal wedding was going on so it only seemed appropriate to call her sister's new boyfriend Prince Edward.  Edward being his real name and all.

Thank goodness she did not take the advice from her amazing, talented, wonderful sister.  Although her sister is still not sure what his whole, "I'm not going to call her for a few days and make her suffer thing was about."  Apparently he was "playing it cool."

Their love quickly grew.  They bonded over politics, education, simular interest, importance of family, but most of all they bonded and fell in love with eachother's love for God.  They made it a priority to have God at the center of their lives and relationship and it was very clear.

He got the parents approval.  Now it was time to get the amazing, sweet, caring, awesome sister's approval.  Her sister was always tough on the boyfriends because she knew that her sister only deserved the best.  Her goal was to scare off every guy who wasn't anything but perfect for her sister.

Luckily, Prince Edward met her awesome, smart, charming sister's approval.  Her sister knew then, she was going to marry this guy.  It didn't take them long to realize that too.

After several months, Prince Edward ask her parents for her hand in marriage.  The parents were thrilled and ofcourse gave their approval.

Prince Edward chose August 18th, 2012 as the day he was going to propose.  He planned everything out to be absolutley perfect.  Since both were living and working in DC, he chose to propose at the Jefferson Memorial at Sunset.  He had his brother and mother hiding in the bushes to tape the whole engagment.  They also had an audiance of 5 people who witnessed the whole engagment.  It even brought some to tears. (mind you, they were still drinking from the night before.)  After he proposed, he planned for them to go on a day cruise.  Prince Edward then had it planned for her family to come and surprise her.  He knew how much that would mean to her knowing that her family meant everything to her.  They came back to his apartment where his Mom had champagne and appetizers  their waiting to celebrate this joyous time.  They finally arrived and needless to say she was very surprised her family was their waiting to congratulate her.  

We then all watched the video of the engagment.  Which she had NO idea about and neither did her family.  After taking many pictures, googleing over the gorgeous ring, crying and celebrating we continued the celebration by all going out to eat.  We shared stories, listened to the newly engaged couple talk about their day, laughing about the unexpected audiance who watched the whole engagement, watch the couple share a dance, and simply talked to eachother.  Two separate families were quickly becoming one.  After dinner, we went to leave to find a limo waiting their to take us around to different historical places in DC.  We all piled in the limo, still in shock continuing the joyous celebration of this engagement.  The family was later dropped off and the two lovebirds rode off together to hit up their favorite spots in DC until they finally went home.

I am proud to say that the girl in this story is my sister, Janet and Prince Edward is my new future brother-in-law.  

This story was written through eye's of Janet's, sweet, charming, amazing, smart, awesome, caring younger sister.  Their love story continues to unfold but I can honestly end this story by saying...

And they lived happily ever after.

If grace were an ocean, we are all sinking...

 I have not been myself this past year and I am still working on  getting back to my normal, happy self who loves life.  Every time I feel like I am doing it, I do something else that puts me back in the valley.  The slump.  The rock bottom.  The hell hole.  Whatever you want to call it, I go right back to that place.  What's even more frustrating is that it's by my own choice that I can back to the place.  I wish I could answer why I make the decisions that I make but I simply can't explain them.  The only thing that remotely makes sense to me is that I am human.  I was born a sinner who simply needs grace.  I am also a born-again christian who needs to obey and I have failed at that miserably.  Sin can capture your life and spin it in a huge web to where you can see no way of untangling it.  Not only that but you can't seem to un-stick yourself from this massive web.  As much as you want to find a way out, you can't.  As much as you want to let go, you become stuck.  You become numb to the sin that has captured your life.  But because of God's grace, we do have a way out.  

My faith has been tested more times than I can count over this past year.  Some of it were by choices that I have made and some were not.  Just yesterday, I had a conversation with my Dad.  He was expressing to me that we all go through these valleys.  If we didn't go through these valleys, we wouldn't know how disparately we need Jesus.  My response back was, "but how long do we have to go through these.  I feel like I'm never getting out."  I knew the answer to my own question but I didn't want to own up to it.  My Dad then goes on about how we are suppose to be obedient to God and when we are not that is when we begin to see our lives spiral.  

Have I been an obedient servant to God?  No.  

Was I aware of that?  Yes. 

 Did I want to be obedient?  Absolutely. 

 Did I know how?  Yes.

Was I willing to do it? No.

Did any of those questions and my answers make sense to you? No? Me either.  The only way that I can make sense of all of this is to know that I am simply a sinner and I need God's grace.  But it's also time to own up to my web of sins and except His grace.  

I always seem to find comfort in Psalms 23.  It was the very first chapter of the bible I memorized as a child. It has never failed to bring me comfort.  

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
³     he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
    for his name’s sake. 
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a] 
I will fear no evil, 
    for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; 
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Though the valleys seem long and dark, He is with me.  He will never let me go.  I pray that I to will be able to extend grace and love to people just as God does with us.