Over the past few weeks, I have found myself online looking for apartments. I am not quite sure why I have taken up this habit. Maybe it's because I am within a month of graduating cosmetology school and I am hoping/praying that by the end of the year I will be able to afford to live on my own.
Almost 4 years ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and move back home for a new job opportunity. The plan at that time was to live with my parents until things settled in with my new job then I would find my own place. Almost 4 years later and here I am...still with the parents. In THEIR house. 4 years ago, I would have had no problem moving across country, taking a chance, living on the edge. That was 4 years ago. I have changed drastically over these short 4 years. At this point in my life, the thought of moving to a different town than my parents truly scares me.
I don't think that I have lost the person that I am. However, I do think that I have changed. The past 4 years I have been challenged drastically in my faith, been broken down, hit rock bottom, struggled with emotional problems as well as health issues, lost a sense of who I am and who God wants me to be and quit a job that I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing. When I say that I have felt almost every single emotion known to human kind, I mean it. Through these past 4 years, two people have remained constant. Two people who have never lost hope in me, who have been there for me financially, who have supported me in every decision I made, who have loved me regardless of what I have done/did, who have been my back bone for me and who have never left my side. These two people I speak of are my amazing parents. While going through the deepest valley of my life, my parents have been the one's who have physically and emotionally held my hand through it all. They have been my rock.
I am saying all of this because over the past several weeks I have been trying to find the person that I once was 4 years ago. The careless, free, adventurous, independent (at least I thought I was), full of faith, Jesus loving girl. I have been wondering if I will ever get this girl back again. I would like to say that I could pick up and move back to Charleston tomorrow with no problem. But I can't. Remember, I have changed. During that change, my parents were the only thing that stayed the same. They stayed the same loving, caring parents that they have always been since the day I was born. While searching for the old Hannah, God has revealed new things to me. I am not weak like I tend to think. I still have my faith. My heart still breaks for the same things. I am independent. But during this season of my life, I still need my parents. And that is okay. I don't need to search for the Hannah I was once because I never lost her. I just need to be content in the person that I am. I am still a work in progress and will continue to be the rest of my days.
I am still healing. I am still trying to figure things out. I am still trying to get my life back on track.
I know that God is my healer. He already has my life figured out. And while I think that I may have fallen of the track, God just created a different path for me. God strategically gave me the parents who have been His hands and feet for me. They never turned me away. They never gave up on me. They gave me shelter. They gave me food. They loved me regardless. They stood up for me when I couldn't. They have extended grace and mercy. They except me for who I am, my flaws and all. They are exactly what God does for me on a daily basis. He just gave me two humans to physically show me who He is and how powerful His love is. Daily, I fail God. Daily, God loves, forgives, shows grace and ultimately carries all of my sins for me. Right now more than ever I need God strongly present in my life, and during this season, He has chosen to use my parents to be God's hands and feet for me. So I will stop trying to find the adventurous, I want to move far, far away and be independent girl and be content in knowing that right now I just need my parents. I just need Jesus.
That does not mean that I don't want to get my own place and gain back some of my independence. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have my own apartment. Here in the Winston-Salem area where my parents are just a few minutes drive away. So if I am having a Dramatic Hannah moment, my parents will be there with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe in the future this will change. Until then, I will cherish the wonderful times I will have with my parents that God so graciously chose to put in my life.
Almost 4 years ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and move back home for a new job opportunity. The plan at that time was to live with my parents until things settled in with my new job then I would find my own place. Almost 4 years later and here I am...still with the parents. In THEIR house. 4 years ago, I would have had no problem moving across country, taking a chance, living on the edge. That was 4 years ago. I have changed drastically over these short 4 years. At this point in my life, the thought of moving to a different town than my parents truly scares me.
I don't think that I have lost the person that I am. However, I do think that I have changed. The past 4 years I have been challenged drastically in my faith, been broken down, hit rock bottom, struggled with emotional problems as well as health issues, lost a sense of who I am and who God wants me to be and quit a job that I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing. When I say that I have felt almost every single emotion known to human kind, I mean it. Through these past 4 years, two people have remained constant. Two people who have never lost hope in me, who have been there for me financially, who have supported me in every decision I made, who have loved me regardless of what I have done/did, who have been my back bone for me and who have never left my side. These two people I speak of are my amazing parents. While going through the deepest valley of my life, my parents have been the one's who have physically and emotionally held my hand through it all. They have been my rock.
I am saying all of this because over the past several weeks I have been trying to find the person that I once was 4 years ago. The careless, free, adventurous, independent (at least I thought I was), full of faith, Jesus loving girl. I have been wondering if I will ever get this girl back again. I would like to say that I could pick up and move back to Charleston tomorrow with no problem. But I can't. Remember, I have changed. During that change, my parents were the only thing that stayed the same. They stayed the same loving, caring parents that they have always been since the day I was born. While searching for the old Hannah, God has revealed new things to me. I am not weak like I tend to think. I still have my faith. My heart still breaks for the same things. I am independent. But during this season of my life, I still need my parents. And that is okay. I don't need to search for the Hannah I was once because I never lost her. I just need to be content in the person that I am. I am still a work in progress and will continue to be the rest of my days.
I am still healing. I am still trying to figure things out. I am still trying to get my life back on track.
I know that God is my healer. He already has my life figured out. And while I think that I may have fallen of the track, God just created a different path for me. God strategically gave me the parents who have been His hands and feet for me. They never turned me away. They never gave up on me. They gave me shelter. They gave me food. They loved me regardless. They stood up for me when I couldn't. They have extended grace and mercy. They except me for who I am, my flaws and all. They are exactly what God does for me on a daily basis. He just gave me two humans to physically show me who He is and how powerful His love is. Daily, I fail God. Daily, God loves, forgives, shows grace and ultimately carries all of my sins for me. Right now more than ever I need God strongly present in my life, and during this season, He has chosen to use my parents to be God's hands and feet for me. So I will stop trying to find the adventurous, I want to move far, far away and be independent girl and be content in knowing that right now I just need my parents. I just need Jesus.
That does not mean that I don't want to get my own place and gain back some of my independence. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have my own apartment. Here in the Winston-Salem area where my parents are just a few minutes drive away. So if I am having a Dramatic Hannah moment, my parents will be there with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe in the future this will change. Until then, I will cherish the wonderful times I will have with my parents that God so graciously chose to put in my life.
