Long car rides by myself get me thinking...

Most people know the song Jesus Loves Me.  The song is very simple with a HUGE meaning.  "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so..."  I remember learning this song as a child in kindergarten and in church. I remember singing this song so joyfully and loudly.  I can still hear my young, squeaky voice proclaiming this message as I would sing this song at the top of my lungs.  

While in my car this morning with a 2.5 hour drive ahead of me I began thinking to myself, Jesus loves ME. He loves ME!  Yes...it's ME that He loves.  While I was thinking this, I would emphasize the word "me" every single time.  Such a simple message with such a profound meaning.  But something dawned on me while I was thinking this.  Why am I putting the emphasis on "me" while I say this to myself?  I am changing the whole meaning of "Jesus loves me" when I emphasize the word "me."  Instead I should be putting the emphasis on "Jesus."  Instead I should be saying, "JESUS loves me."  I (me) should have no emphasis.  I should have no glory in this.  

Let me clarify...

Isaiah 43:7 breaks in down perfectly. 

everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." 

God created us for His glory.  Everything that we do is to ultimately bring glory to our loving God.  Even His love for us is for Him.  By Him giving us His love and we choose to accept His love we are reborn and then transformed.  We are to use our "God life transformation" to go out and show God's love to everyone we meet so they can then become reborn and transformed.  That is God's goal.  He wants HIS love to spread like wild fire so HE can win souls for HIM.  So that we can spend perfect eternity with HIM.  

So when you say (or sing), "Jesus loves me..."  make sure you emphasize the right person.  That person is NEVER me.  It's NEVER you.   That person is ALWAYS Jesus. We in our human condition (as my preacher likes to say it) tend to make things about us.  We are good at turning any situation into one that suits us and our needs.  We have to take our selfish selves out of the equation so that we do not get in the way of what God is trying to do with us.  When we as His children choose to accept God into our lives and embrace His love for us He rejoices.  Because every soul that He captures God's glory is prevailing and the devils deceit is being rejected.  To GOD be the glory ALWAYS.

Yes, JESUS! love me.  Yes, JESUS! love me. Yes, JESUS! love me.    For the bible tells me so. 

I Gave Up Searching For the Person I Once Was

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself online looking for apartments.  I am not quite sure why I have taken up this habit.  Maybe it's because I am within a month of graduating cosmetology school and I am hoping/praying that by the end of the year I will be able to afford to live on my own.

Almost 4 years ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and move back home for a new job opportunity.  The plan at that time was to live with my parents until things settled in with my new job then I would find my own place.  Almost 4 years later and here I am...still with the parents.  In THEIR house.  4 years ago, I would have had no problem moving across country, taking a chance, living on the edge.  That was 4 years ago.  I have changed drastically over these short 4 years.  At this point in my life, the thought of moving to a different town than my parents truly scares me.

I don't think that I have lost the person that I am.  However, I do think that I have changed.  The past 4 years I have been challenged drastically in my faith, been broken down, hit rock bottom, struggled with emotional problems as well as health issues, lost a sense of who I am and who God wants me to be and quit a job that I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing.  When I say that I have felt almost every single emotion known to human kind, I mean it.  Through these past 4 years, two people have remained constant.  Two people who have never lost hope in me, who have been there for me financially, who have supported me in every decision I made, who have loved me regardless of what I have done/did, who have been my back bone for me and who have never left my side.  These two people I speak of are my amazing parents.  While going through the deepest valley of my life, my parents have been the one's who have physically and emotionally held my hand through it all.  They have been my rock.

I am saying all of this because over the past several weeks I have been trying to find the person that I once was 4 years ago.  The careless, free, adventurous, independent (at least I thought I was), full of faith, Jesus loving girl.  I have been wondering if I will ever get this girl back again.  I would like to say that I could pick up and move back to Charleston tomorrow with no problem.  But I can't.  Remember, I have changed.  During that change, my parents were the only thing that stayed the same.  They stayed the same loving, caring parents that they have always been since the day I was born.   While searching for the old Hannah, God has revealed new things to me.  I am not weak like I tend to think.  I still have my faith.  My heart still breaks for the same things. I am independent.  But during this season of my life, I still need my parents.  And that is okay.  I don't need to search for the Hannah I was once because I never lost her.  I just need to be content in the person that I am.  I am still a work in progress and will continue to be the rest of my days.    

I am still healing.  I am still trying to figure things out.  I am still trying to get my life back on track. 

I know that God is my healer.  He already has my life figured out.  And while I think that I may have fallen of the track, God just created a different path for me.  God strategically gave me the parents who have been His hands and feet for me.  They never turned me away.  They never gave up on me.  They gave me shelter.  They gave me food.  They loved me regardless.  They stood up for me when I couldn't.  They have extended grace and mercy.  They except me for who I am, my flaws and all.  They are exactly what God does for me on a daily basis.  He just gave me two humans to physically show me who He is and how powerful His love is.  Daily, I fail God.  Daily, God loves, forgives, shows grace and ultimately carries all of my sins for me.  Right now more than ever I need God strongly present in my life, and during this season, He has chosen to use my parents to be God's hands and feet for me.  So I will stop trying to find the adventurous, I want to move far, far away and be independent girl and be content in knowing that right now I just need my parents.  I just need Jesus.

 That does not mean that I don't want to get my own place and gain back some of my independence.  Hopefully by the end of the year I will have my own apartment.  Here in the Winston-Salem area where my parents are just a few minutes drive away.  So if I am having a Dramatic Hannah moment, my parents will be there with open arms and a shoulder to cry on.  Maybe in the future this will change.  Until then, I will cherish the wonderful times I will have with my parents that God so graciously chose to put in my life.

Being single is not a curse...

We are just a few weeks away from one of the most loving days of the year.  The one where you show your loved one how much you appreciate them, how much you care about them and how much you love them.  I'm sure you can guess by now that I am talking about Valentine's Day.  AKA: Single Awareness Day.  Here I come...on my 24th year of spending this Valentines Day alone.  Did I just admit that?  I have never had a Valentine in my whole life.  Whew...that feels better to let that one out.  I used to be quite embarrassed to admit that.  Because in my mind...I felt like there must be something wrong with me.  Why have I gone my whole 24 years of living without experiencing what it feels like to have a significant other?  To know what it feels like to have flowers sent to me just because.  To get a sweet love note left on my car.  To have that good morning text to wake up to.  I am here to tell you that I am no longer ashamed nor do I feel like I have some sort of "I will never find love disease."

The life of singleness is not easy for someone my age.  It almost seems that every time I sign onto facebook another person has gotten engaged, has gotten married, went on an amazing date, found out they are pregnant or just had their second child.  Ti's the season in my life for these type of events to happen.  And I think I speak for every single person out there...It is hard.  It is hard to see others getting engaged, it is hard to see others starting families, it is hard to see someones love-life flourishing right before your eye's while you are sitting over here drinking a bottle of wine and watching sappy love movies while forcing your dog to cuddle with you.  If I could have it my way...I would have my facebook for just my single friends and then a separate facebook for all my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  If I were to be honest, I would rarely sign onto the facebook with all of my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  I'm sure I am speaking for all of my single friends when I say that.

As I have examined my life, I have tried understand why I am where I am today.  Why am I still single?  With much prayer and reading God's word...here are 2 simple conclusions.

• It is simply not my time.
• God has put no age limit on the right time to find true love.  There is no where in the bible that states you must be married by 21 and you better start your family by the time you turn 22.  God is using me and my singleness for His glory in this season of my life.  While sometimes I do not understand why I am single, God will never let me feel as though I am less of a christian because of singleness.  He is using me, my talents and gifts through my singleness that would maybe hold me back if I were in a relationship.  
• God is still preparing my heart as well as my future husbands heart.
• If you are anything like me you are probably rolling your eye's right about now.  I used to be so sick of reading books, blogs, articles about preparing your heart for marriage.  I used to think...why is God taking so long to prepare my heart while Susie Q. over there is getting married at the age of 18.  I had to let go of my jealously to understand what is truly means for God to prepare your heart for your future spouse.  Each person has different gifts.  Each person goes through different trials in their life.  Each person is designed to accomplish different things in their life to glorify God.  God knows my desire.  He knows how badly I desire to one day find my God-mate.  But God also knew us before we were born.  He skillfully designed each and every one of us so that we can live out His story and His love.  Susie Q. was meant for marriage at 18 because God had specific path for her so that she can live out God's love and truth.  God specifically designed me to wait for a relationship so that I can ultimately glorify Him during my singleness season.  He has a plan...He is preparing me every day so that I will live out His love and share His story.  He is using my singleness right here and right now.  Someones got to do it...and He CHOSE me.  So I finally had to surrender and say God use me at your will, for your glory in my days of singleness.   

Being single is not a curse.  It does not mean you are less of a christian.  He does not mean you have some sort of anti-love disease.  It does not mean that you will be single forever.  I do believe that God puts desires in your hearts and if you so desire to one day be married...God will full-fill that desire.  But God will also do it in His timing.  Under His conditions...not yours.  I am not saying that it still won't sting occasionally when you see that "I'm engaged!" status update.  It won't mean that you won't still struggle with that desire to have someone in your life who is your love, who will drop everything to listen to you, who will love you even on your bad days.  But I can promise you that God is still using YOU.  He still needs God-fearing single people in this world to show people God's love, to live out His story.  He uses us just like he uses married couples.  I do believe that one day I will find the man that God has designed for me.  He's just choosing to use us in different ways so that we may glorify Him before we find each other.  

Be bold. Show love.  Show grace.  Show mercy. Show patience. Because after God is through using you in your single days...He will have a WHOLE new task for you while He uses you during your married days.  

If I only knew what I was getting myself into...

June 24th, 2013, I walked into a building full of females.  Obviously, being that I am a girl, I would have known what I was getting into.  Boy, I was very wrong.  Cosmetology school is not a joke.  Mentally, physically, emotionally it is draining.  All of these ladies come from different backgrounds, have different struggles, suffer from different issues going on in their lives.  One thing everyone that everyone does have in common is that we ALL have a story. (and hair...hopefully we all love hair.)  There are roughly 80 students in the school.  We are there 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  So you can imagine that we all get to know each other.  We become a very disfunctional family.

The first few months were pretty tough on me.  I felt like I was thrown into a lions den and I had no way out.  The only option I felt like I had was to stay as quiet and still as possible so that I could hopefully make it out alive.  In other words, I shut myself off.  I felt like I was there to get my schooling so I could take state board and become a license cosmetologist.  Quite frankly, I was not there to make friends.  Of course, I wasn't mean or turned my nose up to people I just did not care to take a relationship further than past the doors of the school.  I didn't care to deal with the petty drama that females are naturally drawn too.  When you put 80 females together...you will have a full on drama war.  Unfortunately, that is our nature.

After a few months, I started getting to know some of these girls are more of a personal level.  I started to hear their struggles, see their pain and listen to their story.  My heart began to break.  I often pray to God to break my heart for what breaks His and when I felt my heart start to shatter I knew that God answered my prayer once again.  These ladies comes from all different walks of life and backgrounds and a lot of it is so foreign to me.  I am fortunate that I don't have divorced parents or a broken home.  So many of these ladies have had to deal with things that are unimaginable.  I really began to care for a lot of these girls.  And whether they know it or not, I have shed several tears just hearing some of their stories.    I have learned that these ladies are strong, courageous, smart, and extremely talented.  At the same time, I still see pain and sadness in their eyes.

I have gotten the reputation in the school as the "little innocent Hannah."  If someone cusses or says something that may be a little vulgar and they see me standing there, they will often apologize to me. I do think it is so funny that they feel the need to do that but I do love that they have enough respect to do that too.  I often say that God has blessed and cursed me with the ability to care so much for people that I feel as if I literally carry their hurt and pain.  Whether these ladies realize it or not, I do feel with them and hurt with them.  Every time I hear a piece of one of their stories I do carry that with me.

I came into this experience blind and day by day I am seeing more and more.  I truly to care for the girls that I have made somewhat of a connection with.  And while I do not typically hang out with them past the doors of the school, I do often think and pray for each one.  They are truly amazing individuals.  Hopefully I can impact them as much as they have impacted me with their life stories.  God puts you in places for a reason and I am trying to make my impact to better glorify Him and to help build His kingdom.

If you truly want to meet a bunch of crazy, wonderful, wild, beautiful, courageous and talented people put yourself in cosmetology school.  God will surly open your eyes and break your heart all for HIS glory.

Why I choose not to make New Years Resolutions

It is finally 2014! Where did the last 10 years of my life go?  I feel like my life has been on fast forward and I have yet to find a pause button.  Even though I feel like everything is in fast motion I am very grateful for another year.  Another year to spend with family, make new friends, spend time with old friends, laugh, love, do something I have never done before, start my new career, and many more things to come in 2014.  Maybe I will find a pause button along the way. :-)

New year brings many things.  One in particular is resolutions.  You often see people posting about resolutions and talking about resolutions.  I am going to be very honest with you.  I have never made a New Years resolution.  I think making a New Years Resolution is a great way to start the year and I commend people who do so and take it seriously.  For me though, I choose not to.  Quite honestly, I have a very hard time to stick with what I say I will do.  I have been like this since forever.  It has always been a struggle of mine and a huge frustration for my parents.  At a very young age my Mom would be me in basketball and before the season was up, I was very ready to quit.  Same happened with softball.  And dance.  And golf.  Oh and don't let me forget the many instruments and lessons I went through. Piano, Cello, Violin, clarinet.  I could go on with a list of things that I would start but never had the drive to complete but I'll stop there.  I think I have made my point that I have a very difficult time with following through.  So now you can understand why New Years Resolutions were not in my life.

Over the past few days, I have been thinking about resolutions and if I should make one this year.  But I just could not do it.  I don't want to set myself up for failure and I believe that's exactly what I would be doing.  Another thing I vow I will do and then 2015 comes just around the corner (remember, my life is on fast forward. 2015 will be here before I know it) and find myself to be a failure again at whatever I say I will do for my resolution.

So I am not here to bash myself, I promise.  In saying all of this and thinking about this I have concluded something about myself.  I am not a planner.  I don't make plans nor do I like to map out my life.  I am a person who lives my life day to day.  I live my life on how I feel in that moment.  Right or wrong...that's how I live.  And honestly, I have come to terms with that.  Several years ago when I felt the call into ministry, within a couple of days, I had withdrew from college and on the path to pursue ministry.  When I found out there was an opening at my home church for a Program Ministry Director, I did not hesitate to take that position.  When I decided that "paid ministry" was not for me, I chose to walk away.  When I found out my parents were moving to NC, I was right there with them ready to go.  When I chose to go to Cosmetology school, I made that decision within one day and within a week I was enrolled.  That has been my pattern.  I go off of how I am feeling in that moment.

You would think that my life is a train wreck the way the past few years have gone.  And quite honestly, I feel as though that might be true.  But as I reflect back, every decision I made God always proved to shine light on the situation for me.

• When I quit college, I had a full-time job within a week with full benefits.
• When there became an opening at my home church, I got offered the job.
• When I chose to leave the job at the church, God gave me the opportunity to leave and start over in a completely different setting. (Which is what I needed.)
• When my Dad's job was in jeopardy, God provided a job which in turn provided me with a roof over my head and food to eat. (I was out of a job for almost 6 months and my parents were there for me during that time.) 
• And when I made the abrupt decision to go to cosmetology school, God made a way and gave me the ambition, motivation, and drive to do it. (Now I am only a little over 3 months of completing school!)

 I can't even begin to describe how God has covered me in all of His grace and opening doors for me over these past couple of years.  All of these decisions were made on a whim.  And whether they were the correct decision or not, God was always there to pick up the pieces, put them back together and give me a hard kick in the butt to keep moving. (yes, I do believe God wants/has to kick me in the butt sometimes to get me going.)

So why do I not make New Years Resolutions?  Quite honestly, I don't know where this year will take me.  I don't know what I feel God is going to call me to do. So I can't bring myself to make a resolution that I don't know if I can do.  I don't want to trap myself into doing something just because I told myself I would and not listen to what God is calling me to do in that moment.  I want to leave myself open to all possibilities. Things could change and I must change with them if that is what I feel God wants from me.  I do know that in every decision I make, every goal I decide to set God will be there.  And if I feel as though I have failed...God will quickly show me the good out of it.  I do pray that in this coming year, I can be guided in every goal I set for myself.  I know that when I decide something, I can depend on God to show me the way and give me the drive to do it.  And I can be confident in knowing that if I don't follow through with something, God will either kick me in the butt to get it done or put me on another path so that He can ultimately get the glory.  In everything I say and do, all of the promises I make, all of the goals I set I pray that God will ultimately get the glory.  I will leave my New Years resolution up to God to make for me.

Bring it on 2014 because with God on my side, I will not be a failure!

ps.  I do promise to blog more this year though :)  Praying God helps to keep me in check with this promise.

Happy New Year!!