I Gave Up Searching For the Person I Once Was

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself online looking for apartments.  I am not quite sure why I have taken up this habit.  Maybe it's because I am within a month of graduating cosmetology school and I am hoping/praying that by the end of the year I will be able to afford to live on my own.

Almost 4 years ago, I chose to take a leap of faith and move back home for a new job opportunity.  The plan at that time was to live with my parents until things settled in with my new job then I would find my own place.  Almost 4 years later and here I am...still with the parents.  In THEIR house.  4 years ago, I would have had no problem moving across country, taking a chance, living on the edge.  That was 4 years ago.  I have changed drastically over these short 4 years.  At this point in my life, the thought of moving to a different town than my parents truly scares me.

I don't think that I have lost the person that I am.  However, I do think that I have changed.  The past 4 years I have been challenged drastically in my faith, been broken down, hit rock bottom, struggled with emotional problems as well as health issues, lost a sense of who I am and who God wants me to be and quit a job that I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing.  When I say that I have felt almost every single emotion known to human kind, I mean it.  Through these past 4 years, two people have remained constant.  Two people who have never lost hope in me, who have been there for me financially, who have supported me in every decision I made, who have loved me regardless of what I have done/did, who have been my back bone for me and who have never left my side.  These two people I speak of are my amazing parents.  While going through the deepest valley of my life, my parents have been the one's who have physically and emotionally held my hand through it all.  They have been my rock.

I am saying all of this because over the past several weeks I have been trying to find the person that I once was 4 years ago.  The careless, free, adventurous, independent (at least I thought I was), full of faith, Jesus loving girl.  I have been wondering if I will ever get this girl back again.  I would like to say that I could pick up and move back to Charleston tomorrow with no problem.  But I can't.  Remember, I have changed.  During that change, my parents were the only thing that stayed the same.  They stayed the same loving, caring parents that they have always been since the day I was born.   While searching for the old Hannah, God has revealed new things to me.  I am not weak like I tend to think.  I still have my faith.  My heart still breaks for the same things. I am independent.  But during this season of my life, I still need my parents.  And that is okay.  I don't need to search for the Hannah I was once because I never lost her.  I just need to be content in the person that I am.  I am still a work in progress and will continue to be the rest of my days.    

I am still healing.  I am still trying to figure things out.  I am still trying to get my life back on track. 

I know that God is my healer.  He already has my life figured out.  And while I think that I may have fallen of the track, God just created a different path for me.  God strategically gave me the parents who have been His hands and feet for me.  They never turned me away.  They never gave up on me.  They gave me shelter.  They gave me food.  They loved me regardless.  They stood up for me when I couldn't.  They have extended grace and mercy.  They except me for who I am, my flaws and all.  They are exactly what God does for me on a daily basis.  He just gave me two humans to physically show me who He is and how powerful His love is.  Daily, I fail God.  Daily, God loves, forgives, shows grace and ultimately carries all of my sins for me.  Right now more than ever I need God strongly present in my life, and during this season, He has chosen to use my parents to be God's hands and feet for me.  So I will stop trying to find the adventurous, I want to move far, far away and be independent girl and be content in knowing that right now I just need my parents.  I just need Jesus.

 That does not mean that I don't want to get my own place and gain back some of my independence.  Hopefully by the end of the year I will have my own apartment.  Here in the Winston-Salem area where my parents are just a few minutes drive away.  So if I am having a Dramatic Hannah moment, my parents will be there with open arms and a shoulder to cry on.  Maybe in the future this will change.  Until then, I will cherish the wonderful times I will have with my parents that God so graciously chose to put in my life.

Being single is not a curse...

We are just a few weeks away from one of the most loving days of the year.  The one where you show your loved one how much you appreciate them, how much you care about them and how much you love them.  I'm sure you can guess by now that I am talking about Valentine's Day.  AKA: Single Awareness Day.  Here I come...on my 24th year of spending this Valentines Day alone.  Did I just admit that?  I have never had a Valentine in my whole life.  Whew...that feels better to let that one out.  I used to be quite embarrassed to admit that.  Because in my mind...I felt like there must be something wrong with me.  Why have I gone my whole 24 years of living without experiencing what it feels like to have a significant other?  To know what it feels like to have flowers sent to me just because.  To get a sweet love note left on my car.  To have that good morning text to wake up to.  I am here to tell you that I am no longer ashamed nor do I feel like I have some sort of "I will never find love disease."

The life of singleness is not easy for someone my age.  It almost seems that every time I sign onto facebook another person has gotten engaged, has gotten married, went on an amazing date, found out they are pregnant or just had their second child.  Ti's the season in my life for these type of events to happen.  And I think I speak for every single person out there...It is hard.  It is hard to see others getting engaged, it is hard to see others starting families, it is hard to see someones love-life flourishing right before your eye's while you are sitting over here drinking a bottle of wine and watching sappy love movies while forcing your dog to cuddle with you.  If I could have it my way...I would have my facebook for just my single friends and then a separate facebook for all my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  If I were to be honest, I would rarely sign onto the facebook with all of my married, engaged, happily dating friends.  I'm sure I am speaking for all of my single friends when I say that.

As I have examined my life, I have tried understand why I am where I am today.  Why am I still single?  With much prayer and reading God's word...here are 2 simple conclusions.

• It is simply not my time.
• God has put no age limit on the right time to find true love.  There is no where in the bible that states you must be married by 21 and you better start your family by the time you turn 22.  God is using me and my singleness for His glory in this season of my life.  While sometimes I do not understand why I am single, God will never let me feel as though I am less of a christian because of singleness.  He is using me, my talents and gifts through my singleness that would maybe hold me back if I were in a relationship.  
• God is still preparing my heart as well as my future husbands heart.
• If you are anything like me you are probably rolling your eye's right about now.  I used to be so sick of reading books, blogs, articles about preparing your heart for marriage.  I used to think...why is God taking so long to prepare my heart while Susie Q. over there is getting married at the age of 18.  I had to let go of my jealously to understand what is truly means for God to prepare your heart for your future spouse.  Each person has different gifts.  Each person goes through different trials in their life.  Each person is designed to accomplish different things in their life to glorify God.  God knows my desire.  He knows how badly I desire to one day find my God-mate.  But God also knew us before we were born.  He skillfully designed each and every one of us so that we can live out His story and His love.  Susie Q. was meant for marriage at 18 because God had specific path for her so that she can live out God's love and truth.  God specifically designed me to wait for a relationship so that I can ultimately glorify Him during my singleness season.  He has a plan...He is preparing me every day so that I will live out His love and share His story.  He is using my singleness right here and right now.  Someones got to do it...and He CHOSE me.  So I finally had to surrender and say God use me at your will, for your glory in my days of singleness.   

Being single is not a curse.  It does not mean you are less of a christian.  He does not mean you have some sort of anti-love disease.  It does not mean that you will be single forever.  I do believe that God puts desires in your hearts and if you so desire to one day be married...God will full-fill that desire.  But God will also do it in His timing.  Under His conditions...not yours.  I am not saying that it still won't sting occasionally when you see that "I'm engaged!" status update.  It won't mean that you won't still struggle with that desire to have someone in your life who is your love, who will drop everything to listen to you, who will love you even on your bad days.  But I can promise you that God is still using YOU.  He still needs God-fearing single people in this world to show people God's love, to live out His story.  He uses us just like he uses married couples.  I do believe that one day I will find the man that God has designed for me.  He's just choosing to use us in different ways so that we may glorify Him before we find each other.  

Be bold. Show love.  Show grace.  Show mercy. Show patience. Because after God is through using you in your single days...He will have a WHOLE new task for you while He uses you during your married days.