If grace were an ocean, we are all sinking...

 I have not been myself this past year and I am still working on  getting back to my normal, happy self who loves life.  Every time I feel like I am doing it, I do something else that puts me back in the valley.  The slump.  The rock bottom.  The hell hole.  Whatever you want to call it, I go right back to that place.  What's even more frustrating is that it's by my own choice that I can back to the place.  I wish I could answer why I make the decisions that I make but I simply can't explain them.  The only thing that remotely makes sense to me is that I am human.  I was born a sinner who simply needs grace.  I am also a born-again christian who needs to obey and I have failed at that miserably.  Sin can capture your life and spin it in a huge web to where you can see no way of untangling it.  Not only that but you can't seem to un-stick yourself from this massive web.  As much as you want to find a way out, you can't.  As much as you want to let go, you become stuck.  You become numb to the sin that has captured your life.  But because of God's grace, we do have a way out.  

My faith has been tested more times than I can count over this past year.  Some of it were by choices that I have made and some were not.  Just yesterday, I had a conversation with my Dad.  He was expressing to me that we all go through these valleys.  If we didn't go through these valleys, we wouldn't know how disparately we need Jesus.  My response back was, "but how long do we have to go through these.  I feel like I'm never getting out."  I knew the answer to my own question but I didn't want to own up to it.  My Dad then goes on about how we are suppose to be obedient to God and when we are not that is when we begin to see our lives spiral.  

Have I been an obedient servant to God?  No.  

Was I aware of that?  Yes. 

 Did I want to be obedient?  Absolutely. 

 Did I know how?  Yes.

Was I willing to do it? No.

Did any of those questions and my answers make sense to you? No? Me either.  The only way that I can make sense of all of this is to know that I am simply a sinner and I need God's grace.  But it's also time to own up to my web of sins and except His grace.  

I always seem to find comfort in Psalms 23.  It was the very first chapter of the bible I memorized as a child. It has never failed to bring me comfort.  

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
³     he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
    for his name’s sake. 
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a] 
I will fear no evil, 
    for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; 
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Though the valleys seem long and dark, He is with me.  He will never let me go.  I pray that I to will be able to extend grace and love to people just as God does with us.

I'm FINALLY in Ethiopia!

The anticipation for Ethiopia has come to an end because I am FINALLY here! Yes, I am writing this blog all the way from Africa!  How crazy is that?  I have been here for almost two days and so far the experience has been absolutely amazing.  (sorry family, I may not come back.)   I have certainly fallen in love with Ethiopia and the people here.

Since arriving, I have been able to see the city by bus, I was able to spend a few hours at Hannah's Hope Orphanage, and I was able to go to a church service where I worshiped with several hundred Ethiopians!

I knew that coming here, I was going to have a bit of a culture shock but when I actually got here, it was more of a culture shock than I prepared myself for. (But God never calls us to stay in our comfort zone!)   I would be lying if I told you that I thought Ethiopia was beautiful.  The streets are filthy, there are animals roaming around everywhere and there is this awful smell.  I was shocked to see people freely and openly using the bathroom right on the side of the road. When walking down the street in Addis Ababa, you have to be aware of your surroundings.  You might fall down a huge hole or step in something that you do not want near you! (Remember, I said people use the road as their bathroom.)  There are many, many animals roaming the street.  They're tons of goats!  Also, I have learned that when you see a heard of goats on the side of the street, don't look at them!  They are most likely being slaughtered and sheered right there on the side of the road.  Cows like to stand in the middle of the road like they own the place.  I tend to laugh every time I see one just standing there.  There are stray dogs everywhere!  I have had to do everything I can to keep myself from going up to them and petting them.  (I don't think my family wants me to come home with rabies or something.)

Kids fill the streets trying to earn money.  I have noticed that shoe shining is really popular for younger kids.  I have seen kids anywhere from 6-18 doing what they can to earn money.  Also, you see many kids playing soccer (football).  Sometimes right in the middle of the highway (no joke.)  One of the biggest things that I  was not prepared for was the driving here!  It is crazyyy!  I made the mistake by sitting in the very front seat of the bus.  Bad idea!  I nearly hyperventilated from a panic attack!  Our driver of the bus kept looking at me with a huge grin on his face saying, "it's okay" as he is about to hit a lady trying to cross the street.  He also told me that in order to get a license here, you have to know how to break the rules.  I have to say, he was a very comforting fellow. (insert sarcasm.)  I have yet to sit in the front seat again.  Also, I have had a hard time adjusting to the food.  But on the bright side, I'll most likely come back to America several pounds lighter!

Besides the huge culture shock, I LOVE IT!  Everyone that we have met or come in contact with are amazing.  You can tell that they are genuinely happy that we are here.  They are overly willing to help or assist us with anything.  Before coming here, I was very worried about the language barrier but that has not been a problem.  I am completely shocked by how many know english.  They are all so welcoming.

Several hours after arriving in Ethiopia, we were able to go spend some time at Hannah's Hope!  Although I had been up for nearly 48 hours at that point, I was still completely stocked!  We got a tour of the orphanage and it was so nice.   They don't have very many older kids at that particular orphanage.  The oldest one was maybe 4.  I was able to hold and play with the babies there.  I immediately fell in love with their sweet faces and adorable personality.  At one point, I did get a little emotional where I needed to step away from the children.  It was most certainly not from their living conditions or lack of love that they are shown because they are provided for both physically and emotionally there.  There are many house "mothers" that are there to bathe, feed, and love on them all day long.  You can see that these wonderful ladies truly do love and care for these children.  But knowing that the kids may grow up without having a forever home was really difficult for me. During my short time here, I hope to show these kids so much love.  It's hard for me not to try and smuggle one home.  (I'm joking. Kind of.)  The whole experience for me at Hannah's Hope was a little overwhelming.

 I was warned that my heart would be broken over and over again while on this trip, but I was not prepared for it to be completely shattered just within the first few hours of arriving.  I do hope that my heart continues to break for these children and people in Ethiopia.   God has certainly put orphans on my heart and has lead me to Ethiopia for a reason.  I pray for me to continue to be humble about this whole experience.  The reason I am here is to show these children God's amazing love and mercy.  I can sometimes get caught up in the selfish side where I like the "feel good" part of helping someone or the "I'm doing such a good thing...look at me God!!"  As hard as that is for me to admit, it is true.  So my biggest prayer is to stay humble and remember that I am doing this solely for the glory of God and for His kingdom.  God chose me to be HIS hands and feet in Ethiopia.  What a huge honor.  I can not express how grateful I am for this opportunity.